We are very sad to report that the Kent County Judge that was assigned to our case has denied our second request to obtain legal rights to our babies. This means we are not able to put Eames and Ellison on our insurance plan, but also that we will now have to go through the very extensive adoption process to gain legal rights. We have been radio silent about this entire process knowing that it is a sensitive matter, however, it is something we can no longer keep private.
To give you a bit of a background, the state of Michigan has not updated the surrogacy act since 1988 which is mind-blowing considering the technological advances in fertility over the past 33 years. This means that there is not a clear path to obtain legal rights for babies born via gestational carrier or surrogate in Michigan, making Michigan one of only TWO states who have not updated surrogacy laws with technological advances in infertility and family building. This makes the gestational carrier process a little trickier in Michigan but not impossible in most parts of the state. In fact, a lot of Michigan judges are granting pre-birth orders to couples like us when both intended parents (Jordan and myself) are married, when the intended parents and the gestational carrier agree on legal rights and are both represented by independent legal representation, and when there is a genetic link between at least one parent and the baby(s). Despite the outdated laws in Michigan several judges across the state have even declared both of the biological/intended parents to be the legal parents in a pre-birth order under the compassionate surrogacy case. This is what we had hoped would happen in our case. Sadly it did not. Our first blow came about a month ago when we found out that our judge not only dismissed our petition to obtain maternal and paternal rights to the babies but also denied our request for a hearing. The hardest part was that he literally made his decisions without the proper time to read through the documents and fully consider our case.
Hearing that my only shot at being recognized as the legal mother to our biological babies before they were born and that I would have to adopt them as a step-parent in the “best-case scenario” was devastating for both Jordan and I. In the days that followed, we spent a lot of time looking into our options including what it would take to legally adopt if neither of us was granted rights. Hearing things like “Lauren is technically their mother-since she is the only one who is nurturing them right now” and that “we are extremely “lucky” that we would even get the chance to adopt the babies (our babies) given not all couples are chosen for adoption” were especially hard to hear. As hurtful and offensive as it was, we were still hopeful that Jordan could at least obtain his legal rights to the babies under the paternity act of 1956 given that he is also a biological parent. Above all, I truly believed that there wasn’t a judge on the planet that could listen to our story and heartlessly deny us rights to our babies. I didn’t think it was possible for a judge to knowingly make it harder for a loving family to gain legal rights to their own biological children when there is no one fighting them for the rights in question.
It’s been a hard few years, but this pregnancy and these babies represent so much hope and joy for Jordan, myself, and Corryn. For the first time in years, we felt like we were turning a corner, that we had earned a new beginning. Most of all, we were elated to have the opportunity to rejoice in the happiness that so many around us are blessed to take for granted. This past Friday we received the call and our attorney tearfully informed us that the judge had again dismissed our case without granting a hearing and he was not even willing to discuss the matter with either of our legal representatives.
To say we are heartbroken would be the understatement of the century, but despite all of the heartache and tears that this injustice has brought upon our family, we know that we have been blessed in more ways than we could ever express. We were blessed that I was able to fight my cancer into remission and that I am still here on earth and able to be a parent to our daughter Corryn and now our twins Eames and Ellison. We are blessed that Lauren and her family came into our lives when they did and that they were selflessly willing to help us grow our family with zero benefits to their own. We are blessed to have found an amazing attorney who is willing to do anything and everything in her power to help us obtain legal rights to our babies and most of all we are blessed that both Eames and Ellison were delivered safely during a worldwide pandemic and that we will eventually be able to bring our babies home and start our lives together as a family of 5 no matter the steps it takes to get there. For all of this, we will be eternally grateful.
However, nothing about this legal process has been fair or just. And nothing about this decision is RIGHT or even OK.
It is time for our great state of Michigan to rise above this injustice and join 48 other US States in recognizing the rights of biological parents like Jordan and myself, who have already been robbed of bringing their babies into the world in a natural way. A complex medical history should not put the legal rights of your biological children in question. The truth is our babies are not an idea. They are real living human beings who happen to need the support of their parents while they heal and grow in the NICU. This is truly the last thing that should be on our minds during what is filled with JOY and excitement for most parents.
This process started nearly 5 years ago. I had just been given the devastating news that had breast cancer at the age of 33. At the time of my diagnosis, my husband and I were trying for our second child, so naturally one of my very first questions was “Can I have more children?”. Looking back, I now realize just how hard it must have been to look my eyes and deliver news that would shatter my entire world in an instant and then delver even more bad news. At that moment my oncologist’s number one job was to save my life, but I am beyond grateful that she also had the foresight to help me preserve my fertility. I learned a lot of things that the very first week of my diagnosis. I learned that you are never “too young” for breast cancer and that only 11% of young women diagnosed have a family history of breast cancer. I learned that although the government does not require testing under 40, it doesn’t mean that you are not at risk. I learned that you truly cannot fully understand the devastation, loss, and pain that comes with a cancer diagnosis until you have faced one yourself. I learned that I am loved far more than I could have ever imagined and that I am surrounded by a community of wonderful people willing to help in moment’s notice. I learned just how strong, hopeful and determined I can be in facing my greatest fears and worst of all, facing my own mortality. I also learned that no matter how strong of a person you are, cancer is better fought with a village of supporters behind you every step of the way. Most of all, I learned that no matter how much you try to plan your life out, the future and your health are two things you should never take for granted.
That first week has become somewhat of a blur to me but I do very vividly remember trying to keep my head on my shoulders as my world spiraled out of control. We met with more specialists that week then I could ever count but one appointment that stands out in our mind is our meeting with Dr. Young from The Fertility Center here in West Michigan. I remember feeling defeated before walking in the door and wondering if I was crazy to consider harvesting my eggs when I didn’t know what my future would hold… or if I had a future at all. I worried that spending the money would be a waste yet if I wasn’t alive to try for a second baby, but I also knew that I had to know my options. Dr. Young was so kind, gentle and compassionate, but he also had to deliver quite devastating news. I remember him saying that he was very sorry that I was facing such a scary diagnosis at such a young age. He then said that he wished he had better news for me, but the only way for me to preserve my ability to have another biological child after cancer was to do an emergency egg harvest before my treatments began (so very quickly) and use a gestational carrier to carry our child. This process did come with a very hefty price tag and some risk, as it would require pumping my body full of the hormones that were in-a-sense feeding my cancer. But, it was also the only way, so we had a BIG decision. This was 3:00 on a Friday afternoon and I was scheduled the following Monday. The last thing he said to me was ask Dr. Melnik, (my surgical oncologist) to give her blessing on this process before you are wheeled in for surgery. With her blessing, the plan was to get started right after the surgery. It was a very hard decision and sadly we only had 48 hours to make it.
After an entire weekend of emotional roller coasters, we along without families made the very bold decision to harvest my eggs immediately following my bilateral mastectomy surgery. Looking back there are so many emotions that ran through my mind during these moments, but at the end of the day, I knew that if I was able to walk away from Cancer, I didn’t want to live with the regret of not taking action. It was a leap of fate as we truly did not know if this day would ever come, but we have never once regretted our decision. After a very difficult few weeks and more ER visits than I can count, Dr. Dodd’s was able to harvest 58 of my eggs and we were able to freeze 16 of our embryos before I started my chemotherapy treatments. After the harvest, I did my very best to put the whole idea out of my mind so I could focus on what was most important at the time. My family… and beating cancer!
Through all of my treatments, surgeries, and recoveries, this hope has been a driving force in my mind. Next to dreaming of a cancer-free future, I have also spent so many nights lying awake in my bed dreaming of the day that I could give Corryn a brother or sister. Over the years I have experienced several ups and downs with this process from grief, to hope, and even anger. And I will even admit that I have shed many tears in knowing that I cannot make this dream happen for Corryn or our family on my own. As a perfectionist who prides herself on being 100% in control of her situation 100% of the time, I should tell you this has been one of the hardest aspects of my post-cancer life. In the beginning, I wanted this for my husband and I, but over the years I come to realize that I also want this for Corryn as well. She has wanted to become a big sister so much so that she has not held back in innocently sharing how sad it makes her that she is all alone as the only child in our family when most of her friends have siblings to play with. Even announcing that she wishes our friend Sarah was her mommy because then she would have 3 sisters. Ehhhh (YES insert crazy emotional mom-tears here).
I have have done my best to stay positive, but I will also admit that it has been somewhat hard to watch others around me have babies. It has been hard not go to the “why me” part of your brain and feel that life isn’t fair, but I have remained as optimistic as possible and I have kept the faith that there is still a plan for me. I do everything I can to separate myself and believe that if and when the timing is right, it will happen for us. My best friend has even helped me keep this dream alive in my heart by secretly planning to try to choreograph shared pregnancies. It was our plan that she would get pregnant with her 3rd child around the same time that we use a carrier to achieve pregnancy with our second child so I could experience all of the amazing feelings of pregnancy through her. What is crazy is that she told me she was pregnant for her third child this past fall, just a few weeks after I applied for the SAMFUND grant. So, you can imagine the excitement I felt when I got the news that our family had been selected for the grant. My dream was coming to life in a truly serendipitous form.
Since receiving the grant news so many things have happened including the post we wrote that kicked all of this off. Initially, we wanted to keep things very private because we are not certain we will have pregnancy success, however, we came to realize that we would never be able to make this happen on our tight-timeline without going public with our news and search for a gestational carrier. So, we again took a step out of our comfort zone, put on a brave face, and very publicly announced that we were looking for an angel to carry our biological child. Within 24 hours our post had been viewed over 10,000 times and emails were pouring in. Fox 17 even picked up the story which sent our search into overdrive. We did have to go a bit “radio silent” after our original post so that we could take time to go through all the emails while also diving into the very complex process of using a gestational carrier in a state where it is illegal to hire a carrier in general. Since then have been navigating very uncertain legal and medical waters in a complex process and doing our best to follow our hearts. But I truly cannot put into words the emotions that have been running through my mind over the past 6 weeks. I do have to say that the outpouring of support from all of you and our West Michigan community has truly been nothing short of awe-inspiring. We had quite a few women reach out to us with very very big hearts and willing arms. This was something I had not considered, and it did make for a VERY tough decision…. but it also lead to an idea to pay all of this love forward and help other couples in West Michigan find gestational carriers of their own as well.
We do have good news! As of a few weeks ago, we officially have a gestational carrier who is willing to carry our baby. We have all met with a counselor at The Fertility Center to talk through the entire process including the emotional journey that has unfolded over the past few years for me, we have hired an attorney (one of 3 in the state) to start drafting the “non-legally binding – contract which is required to move forward with the carrier process at TFC, we have received coverage confirmation from both sets of insurance, The Samfund has made our first payment, and as of Friday afternoon, Dr. Dodd’s has medically cleared our carrier and noted that she is an A+ option for us. Although success is not guaranteed, the process has begun. No matter what happens from this point on, we do know that we have already been blessed by having so many wonderful women/couples step forward to offer our family such an amazing gift. Most of all we will know that we tried.
I have dreamed about the woman who would carry our child since that very scary first appointment at The Fertility Center. I wondered if she would be someone close to me or someone I had met along the way. I spent a lot of time thinking about how I would feel in knowing that another woman would be taking my place in an act that is so beautiful and meaningful to our family, and I wondered how I would feel in knowing that my carrier can do something that I am no longer able to do myself. Mostly, I thought about how special it was to feel Corryn grow inside of me and how sad it would make me that I would not feel that growing bond form with a second child. But I have to admit that although I do know that there is still some grieving for me to do in accepting my limited involvement, my mind and my heart are full of hope and love because of one very special woman and her husband. Because of this amazing woman, I am no longer dwelling on my inability to do this for our family, nor am I fearing all that I will miss out on because I am not able to carry my child myself. Instead, I find myself dreaming of the very special relationship that is forming with this amazing woman who has been placed into my life and the bond that is already forming as we start this journey together. To my surprise, I find myself dreaming of all of the same very special moments that you dream about when you are pregnant with any child. I’m just now dreaming about experiencing all of these moments with a very special friend by my side. I envision feeling our baby kick through her belly as if that were a normal thing to experience. I envision the nursery design, baby items strewn about the house, and Corryn being the best big sister ever. And all of these heartfelt visions lead me back to gratitude for a woman that I didn’t even know two months ago. I’m struggling to put it all into words, but the fact that a woman who I may never have met outside of this situation felt passionately compelled to help us achieve this beautiful blessing simply because she could, is simply amazing beyond measure. The truth is, this woman is a huge part of this new and exciting path and like so many other aspects of my cancer journey, it has become very apparent that she was also meant to be a part of this all along. In a very peaceful way, I feel that my heavenly soul sister Erin has had a very heavy hand in bringing this beautiful blessing into my life. I feel her love all around me every single day and I know that I now have the very best gradian angel by my side through all of this.
So without further ado. I would like to introduce you to Lauren and her husband Johnathon. Lauren was the very first women to reach out to us. Reading her heartfelt words sent goosebumps down my spine and filled my heart with so so much hope and joy. In her very first message she explained that she felt compelled and even called to help us bring a beautiful blessing into our lives because its was something she had always wanted to do. She has also felt very guided through this entire process and has said that she too feels that all of this has felt very “right” and meant-to-be for her as well.
We did meet a few couples in person and I will admit that we fell in love with them all. The first meetings were filled with so much excitement, but they were also a bit awkward for everyone involved. In a very funny way, it was a bit like a speed date that ended in a shotgun wedding. But honestly, hearing why these couples wanted to bless our family put our nerves at ease quite quickly and I found myself holding back tears. It takes a very special woman to consider carrying someone else’s child in her body, but it also takes an incredible husband to support such an amazing act. We are so very blessed.
A causal dinner complete with small talk. She asked how my oncology appointment went, expressed concern over the uncertainty of two area’s found on my last MRI, and worry that I would again face challenges in getting my insurance to cover my followup MRI, and then she said, “while we are on the topic, I have to tell you something that you’re not going to want to here”. I quickly said, What is it? What’s wrong and felt my heart sink deep into my stomach. She said, I don’t even know how to tell you this as she reached into her purse to grab a folded white sheet of paper. I could feel the monster creeping around the corner as the air got thicker.
The first thing I saw was the words Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. The three words that have literally been burned in my mind since February 15th, 2015. The three words that forever changed my life and turned my world upside down. I suddenly saw the past two and a half years playing out in my head slide by slide. Every moment flashing a little faster than the moment before. My palms got sweaty, as I could feel the stress-induced hot flash burning inside of me. All of a sudden the room went silent, and my world stopped just as it did the very first time I heard the words Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Everything slowed down and my senses heightened. It was as if I could see what was playing out from a birds-eye view. A thousand questions spiraled into my mind, but for a second I could say nothing because it took every ounce of my being to hold back the tears this time around. I took a deep breath and pushed the emotion deep inside as I looked up at my mom and calmly said no… not you too?
The day I became a mother was the very best day of my life. I had literally dreamed about becoming a mommy from the time I was in elementary school, maybe even before. This may sound weird, and I am not sure I have ever admitted this to anyone, but where most kids excitedly looked through the big JCPenny catalog picking out toys, I looked through the catalog picking out the children I would someday have…. And of course picking out all of the cute clothes I would someday dress them in. When I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always replied with; “I want to be a mommy”. My love of children only grew through the years and I was quickly labeled as the one most likely to have a gaggle of kids by my peers. I started babysitting all of the neighborhood kids at when I was 10, and I loved every second of it. When I was in high school I took a job working in a daycare after school and later I worked as a nanny for two amazing baby girls that I still refer to as my first born. I fell in love with every child that I had the pleasure of caring for, and I often joked that I was a second mommy to many, however the love that fills your heart as your baby grows and develops inside of you, and the joy you feel in the moments you bring that baby into the world, are nothing short of awe-inspiring, life-defining, and indescribable for those who haven’t felt it for themselves.
Well my weekend plans have changed just a bit. Rather then spending the evening with our bestie’s tonight, spending the day at the spa tomorrow with a friend, and spending quality time with my hubby, I’m now planning a weekend escape at Casa Day Blodgett aka the hospital for another possible infection on the other side now. Fingers crossed it’s clear and I get to go home tomorrow.
Dr. Tammy Kreuzer
This physician and more importantly this woman is nothing short of amazing. She performed my triple Biopsy a few short weeks ago to start this entire journey. Her gentle approach, her amazing bed-side manor and her ability to relate, put me at ease before we even got started. Let me start by saying that biopsy’s are not exactly pain free or fun in anyway, but she had me laughing and joking the entire time to take my mind off of what was actually happening. At the same time she was also very honest and open about what she was seeing which was so helpful to me. I’m assuming this experience for many is not a good one, however looking back, my hour with Dr. Kreuzer and my amazing nurse, who both seem way more like friends was a positive experience despite our malignant findings. If you have to get this type of news, these are the ladies you want to deliver it.
To get to the point, I came across this video of Dr. Kreuzer discussing one of the many ways they/she detects breast cancer in women of all ages. Although this discussion is not related to me and is not at all the type of procedure I had, I still feel it is a quick informational video that anyone with a lump, fear or family history may find helpful so I’m sharing it with all of you
As many of you know I started the first “Pink Time” Page over 4 years ago with my dear friend Vicki as an outlet to not only share her personal breast cancer journey, but also to inspire others facing their own. Vicki came into my life like a whirlwind and captured my heart instantly. I cannot express how much she has inspired me over the past few years. Her deep sense of self, her ability to find a positive within every negative and her natural love of life always leaves me feeling good about who I am and what I have. I think it is this life perspective that gave her strength when she needed it most and I am very happy to announce that this past October marked 5 years since the start of her journey. She is living life to the fullest and enjoying the tropical weather during these cold winter months. She is still inspiring me despite the miles between us. One of the most amazing yet scary aspects of all this is that she has always made reference to the fact that our “journey” was not over and that there was something much bigger that tied our hearts together early on.
Her intuitions were correct, something bigger then both of us was happening from the moment we first met. This past week, I myself was diagnosed with breast cancer. I am 33 years old, I have no family history, and no common environmental risk factors, so to say this caught us off guard is an understatement. (This photo of my dear friend Vicki and I is from 4 years ago. The copy in the upper right hand corner was placed at the time this shot was taken and now serves as an eerie reminder that even then we knew that our journey had just begun and that there was something much bigger that tied our hearts together early on)
For those who are wondering I did find the lump myself and called my OB/GYN within a few weeks. Unfortunately my original appointment was rescheduled because my doctor was called into and emergency C-section so I was set up to see another OB/GYN in her place. In the time leading up to my appointment my mind went through every possible scenario. I will admit that in the beginning I did start to prepare for the worst. I had done the research and I knew that what I found was a little concerning in form, yet I still managed to convince myself that I was worrying for no reason. I will admit I was a bit nervous to see a new doctor for an appointment of this nature but she made me feel right at home because before she even shut the office door behind her she was already digging into my concerning medical history from years past that had never been addressed with me. She was calm, patient and informative from the get go and did tell me I should have it looked at further. I didn’t feel she seemed extremely concerned, however I could tell she wasn’t willing to take any risks, which put my mind at ease. She suggested I have an ultrasound and mentioned that she planned to get in touch with a radiologist to talk about my findings to get a feel on further testing. I got a call from her that night and email from her the following morning. She said that she talked to a radiologist and they felt I needed to have an ultrasound, a mammogram and potentially a biopsy right away to rule out a potential cancer risk. At this point I was a little worried but oddly still hopeful that they were just being cautious.
This brings us to last Tuesday. I met my amazing friend Sarah at the Lemon Holten Cancer Pavilion (saying that name still makes my stomach sink a bit). Jordan had to take care of Corryn so she wanted to be there for moral support and to also bring comic relief. Looking back on it now I should have realized that I had bad news coming because every single technician and nurse that treated me got a bit teary eyed while in my presence. It all happened so fast yet seemed like an eternity at the same time. I started with an initial exam with a very nice nurse and then I was sent to a separate waiting room away from the room Sarah was waiting in. As I looked around I saw women over 40 waiting for their yearly mammogram and I saw women with fear on their faces. None of it seemed real. It was very much like a dream or outer body experience. I had been siting there a few minutes waiting for my ultrasound when a young female technician came to get me for a mammogram instead. From the moment she made eye contact with me she looked as if she was on the verge of crying. I told myself she was fighting with her boyfriend and continued to stay positive through the imaging. As I was walked back the waiting room I realized that there were also women in this room that were not patients so I texted Sarah to have her join me. As we talked about how this was just a big scare, cracked jokes, and made small talk, I was asked to head back for additional mammogram scans. Almost immediately after I returned back to the waiting room I was greeted by an ultrasound tech. She was very upbeat and cheery unlike my first technician but I still sensed something in her eyes. She casually talked to me about my day as she started the to run the wand over my breast, however the conversation started to slow. As I stared at the eerie photographic ceiling tiles above the table I was lying on, I started to realize she was seeing something concerning. Just then she told me she needed to talk to the radiologist and that she would be right back. I sensed panic in her voice as she tried desperately to make this seem like a routine part of the process.
While she was gone, I managed to distract myself but deep down I was realizing what was happening. Oddly I didn’t panic or even think the worst as I was doing the previous week, instead a very strange calmness came over my body. All of my worries and concerns had dissipated and I now had my game-face on. It was almost as if I had got all the scary thoughts out of my system and I was ready for what I knew was about to smack me in the face.
That was when my technician came back into the room. She told me that the radiologist wanted to see me in his office because he preferred his computer screens. She then asked if I had anyone there with me that could join me in his office. I remember this moment so vividly. I calmly and bluntly asked her if I needed to have someone with me? Instantly her eyes welled up with tears and as she struggled to say “yes the doctor thinks this is serious”, I cut her off. I told her that I had a friend in the waiting room and her name was Sarah. Everything after this moment is a blur. I know I was lead into the office of a radiologist and he struggled to say what I knew he had to say. He danced around it a bit talking about different things he found on my scans while giving me what seemed like no information at all. And then the words came out of his mouth. He said, I think this is serious. I think you have two forms of breast cancer. I don’t remember much else about my very short conversation with him, however I know that as I heard the words “breast cancer” I felt the comforting arms of both Sarah and my nurse on my back.
It wasn’t long after that, that I found myself in a different room with my original nurse and Sarah by my side. I remember saying “is there any way that he can be wrong?” and hearing the response; “We’re pretty sure he isn’t wrong, but medical miracles do happen”. I think this was the point where I mentally checked out and my mind went numb. I didn’t cry in fact I still haven’t. I just sat there calmly as the words seemed to be spinning around me. It felt a bit odd that this appointment had taken such a quick turn for the worst and I hadn’t let Jordan be there with me, but I have sense realized that Sarah was the “perfect” person to be sitting by my side. My husband is amazing, but even he will admit that staying calm is not one of his strongest features. Sarah was noticeably emotional, but she was comforting, she was calm and she quickly went into help-mode as she started writing down every detail that came out of nurse’s mouth. She wrote down everything from the scary details to the surgeon’s and doctors that the nurse was confidently and secretly recommending under her breath. “I remember her saying we are not supposed do this, but you are young, you are beautiful and you are the same age as my daughter… You deserve the best.” Her words were like a giant hug. We kept talking for what seemed like hours until there really wasn’t much left to say. Just blank stares and comforting hugs. At this point I believe we had been in the office for a good 3-4+ hours and they were no longer able to preform my biopsy. Instead I was to report back the next day. However I had already been told that they were pretty certain this was cancer so I now had to not only tell my husband, but also my parents.
My parents traveled to Grand Rapids the following morning and joined Jordan and I at the hospital for my biopsies. I was to have 2 areas biopsied and I was told that they may try to sample a lymph node as well. It was like starting the previous day all over again. I still had my game-face on so I was doing ok, but everyone seemed as calm. This is when I met my new nurse. She again had caring tearful eyes as she talked to me about my procedure but her presence alone was oddly comforting. She started to tell me about the doctor that was going to be preforming my biopsies. She mentioned that he was very good but he was a man of few words. She said that his silence may be uncomfortable but that she would be there with me. It was like she was inside my head because she quickly walked away and came back with news that I would now have a different radiologist performing the biopsy. I was assured that this doctor was not only amazing at what she did, but that she would also be there to talk me through the entire process. I will say that although it was painful, spending about an hour in a room with 3 other women was actually a very good distraction from what was happening. We talked odd or embarrassing medical appointments, our children, and the fact that my radiologist and I not only shared the same first name, but we also went on the same honeymoon. To be honest the room was full of laughter until I asked her if she could tell me what she was seeing. Although it took nearly 48 hours to confirm cancer, we left knowing the truth.
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I have come to believe that there is nothing I could have done to prevent this and that everything up to this point in my life has prepared me for this very moment. You see, my journey with breast cancer started at the age of 13 when a very special aunt of mine was diagnosed herself. Although her journey was cut short due to a late diagnosis, it was still very powerful to everyone who knew her and it has forever changed me as a person. Her passing left a hole in my heart that I will never be able to fill, however I also feel that witnessing her strength gave me strength and determination very early in my own life. I know in my heart that this is why I connected with Vicki so deeply and knowing both of them has helped shape a big part of who I see when I look in the mirror today.
This past week has been full of every emotion possible, yet it has also been strangely calm at the same time. I have made a promise to Jordan, Corryn and most importantly to myself that I will face this with strength, confidence and determination and with the help of Vicki I am also promising to take time to focus on what I need right now. I know that my Aunt Pam and my dear friend John who passed away 2 years ago from Mesothelioma, are guiding me through. I know that I am not alone, and I am open to where ever this journey takes me.
In the words of Vicki, I am embracing my “Pinkness”. From the moment I heard the words “I think this is breast cancer”, a certain calmness came over my entire body and I felt completely surrounded by hope. Not only from my closest friends here in West Michigan (you know who you are) and my family, but also from everyone who has treated me at Lemon Holton Cancer Pavilion in the past week. My doctors and nurses have been truly amazing and have went WAY above and beyond to help guide me through this very difficult process. It’s hard to complain when the radiologist who performs your biopsy not only contacts you while on a family vacation in Colorado but also asks to meet you for coffee before your surgery and your nurse becomes more like a long-lost childhood friend who checks in almost daily. I cannot tell you how many personal numbers I have been given by medical professionals and how far these individuals have gone to help put me at ease. I believe even they were meant to be a part of this journey.
Since diagnosis last week the process has moved extremely fast. I have undergone genetic testing and I have met with a surgical oncologist, a medical oncologist, and a fertility specialist, a plastic surgeon and an entire oncology team as a second opinion. I am scheduled to undergo a bilateral mastectomy this coming Monday March 2nd. At this point I am being told a lot of positive things about my “cancer” but we will know a lot more after the surgery. I am strong and I am ready to face this head on.
As this word gets out it is getting harder and harder to keep up on voicemails,
texts, and emails so please check this page if you would like an update.
