From the moment I was told I had breast cancer I lost any attachment that I had ever had to my breasts however things however things became much more real for me at my pre-op appointment with my plastic surgeon. I remember feeling odd even walking into a plastic surgery office. I wondered if people thought I was there to have cosmetic surgery or if they could see my reality written all over my face. I have always been a very reserved or even shy person, but this point I was getting pretty used to bearing all at my appointments. However this appointment was particularly hard for me.
Don’t get me wrong, both Dr. Timik and my nurse were amazing but lets be real I was there to plan a surgery to remove two body parts that have made had made me feel like a woman most of my life. I was asked to remove everything from the waist up and stand on a footstool facing forward. My surgeon began to examine my breasts in great depth as a nurse documented everything she said on a diagram of my upper torso. I remember gazing out the window in an attempt to tune it all out as I started hearing talk of breast size inconsistences, stretching of the skin, and even the mention of sagging. I know that my surgeon had to document every aspect of my breasts in order to in a sense recreate them after my mastectomy but I couldn’t help but feel self-conscious as they talked about my body like I wasn’t even in the room. Especially parts of the body that I was about to loose. After getting all the details down Dr. Timik explained the surgery and starting the surgical mapping as she called it; a line drawing on my chest in red, black, and blue ink.
She then let me into a small room that had been converted into an on hand photo studio with complete backdrop and lights. While in there we took several detailed photographs of my surgical lines. I left feeling a mix of emotions. I felt very exposed or even violated, but I also felt good about my surgeon’s ability. She assured me that she would do her very best to give me beautifully reconstructed breasts.
As we drove to meet my photographer at the house I couldn’t stop thinking about how hard that was for me. That’s when I decided I wasn’t going to hold back. I was going to document all of the raw aspects of this journey. If I could help someone else going through the same hell, then this would all be worth it.
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