Pain and Worry

by Tammy Myers

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It has been a pretty rough few days physically, painfully and emotionally, and to be honest after feeling nauseous and struggling to eat or drink for the past few days post surgery, I am very weak, vomiting and constantly on the verge of passing out. It was a struggle because although I knew I needed to be seen, and I knew I really needed some fluids to get me back to a good place, I didn’t really know which, out of all of my specialists was best to call. Do I call my oncologist who has treated every condition for the past year, my cardiologist who knows of my cardio conditions but is unaware of how cancer exasperates them, do I call the surgeon who saw me last a few days ago in the hospital or do I call my general family practice doc?

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From Jordan

by Tammy Myers

707aebf9-aa76-43ba-9a14-d9fc17de15cc“I am truly grateful that I get to call this amazing and strong young cancer warrior my wife. This year has been extremely difficult for not only her but for our family as well and through it all she still manages to keep smiling so she can show myself and our little girl that she is going to be ok.

Tammy, I am extremely grateful for everything that you are, and I am so  grateful that Corryn has a mommy as amazing as you to look up to.”

Love, Jordan

‪#‎4EveryMom‬
‪#‎Mywifeismysuperhero‬
‪#‎SusanGKomen‬

The call I was waiting for

by Tammy Myers

I finally got the call! The small lesion previously seen on my liver is NOT cancer! In fact, my oncology nurse mentioned that the reports indicate my liver looks pretty normal, so other then some gall stones I’m looking pretty good inside. Still not sure what it is/was or why my levels have remained elevated but today… I am happy just knowing IT IS NOT CANCER! I’m celebrating with 2 bags of fluids and a chi-latte!

Thank you to all of you for your kind words of encouragement, your thoughts, your prayers, and your well wishes over the past few days. It’s been a hard few weeks all the way around, but having this huge weight lifted off my shoulders should at least mean more sleep and healing in my near future.

They say it takes an army to get someone through cancer and let me tell you, I feel like I have one heck of an army in all of you. I am blessed to have your support.

‪#‎mypersonalpinktime‬ ‪#‎thecancerisnotback‬

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A Family Hospital Visit with Mommy

by Tammy Myers

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My beautiful friend Sam, my husband, and my new found Friend Brooke captured photos and footage from my surgery day so there will be more to come, but I wanted to share this one image of my little family spending time with me while I was bound to my hospital bed for a few days post surgery. Luckily they had me nicely medicated so my pain was controlled and Corryn could get close allowing mommy hide a her pain with smile.

For my my awesome sister Kate who lovingly mothered me a bit today and will love hearing she’s right: Yes I am the crazy patient who always wears makeup on surgery days and the crazy patient that wets her budding hair out of her water cup, after her 4:30am vital checks in the hospital, I am the crazy patient who keeps facial wipes, deodorant, perfume and make-up by my bedside so I can freshen up and even apply a little eye makeup at least, so I’m not looking too much of a wreck when my doctors round around 5:30-6 am. My awesome but motherly sister thinks sometimes I need to let people/especially my medical team see just how awful I feel to ensure I am treated for all of my symptoms and quit making myself look healthier then I am with make-up and a big smile. (She laughs when she mothers so it’s ok). In retrospect she is probably right. Who am I kidding? After not letting me shower with left over surgical iodine all over my body and being stuck in a hospital bed for 4 days my medical team, and my visitors would have given me a pass to look like the hell I was feeling, huh? But I’m a girl at heart and even at my sickest moments, I want to look my best. Silly I know.

Another Scary Cancer Scan Down:

by Tammy Myers
13043515_932071903581240_1882037906177800417_nI got up this morning like normal this week, my husband helped me out of bed which is a pretty painful process post breast surgery and grafting, he helped me to bathe and to get ready, I put my optimistic game face on, struggled but get down part-one of another cylinder of pre-CT scan liquid, and we left for my first appointment, which was an acupuncture appointment for my breast cancer clinical trial. I was still obviously hurting, feeling pretty weak, kind short of breath and a bit nauseous, but mentally I was good. I actually thought acupuncture was a good way to start a scary day, but while lying on the usually calming table my eyes started to well up with tears and I realized I am little scared about this test. People always ask me how is it that I am always so optimistic, so positive, and how it is possible that even in the scariest and most painful moments I still have a smile on my face. The truth is I don’t know. I guess I am just naturally an optimistic and happy person and I am pretty good at hiding the pain and the fear, but I will admit that although I am naturally this way, it doesn’t mean that I’m not sad, scared or even worried a times. Maybe it sounds crazy to say that sometimes I am both optimistic and scared at the same time. But really I just think it means that I trust my medical team, I have faith, and I have learned that I am strong enough to face each step of what has become the rest of my life with cancer.

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Still no news…..

by Tammy Myers

I cannot thank you all enough for all the caring, loving, and encouraging support and prayers you have sent my way in texts, messages, and posts. I am still going through them all but I do feel the love, so thank you so very much. I have been distracting myself with work while getting nice and hydrated at the LH infusion center and I am starting to feel a little better and more with it.

On a much needed funny note. The nurse who checked me in for my CT scan this morning slapped this bright yellow fall risk bracelet on me while putting my normal medical wrist band on and I didn’t even notice until an hour ago while sitting at infusion. Who gets a fall risk bracelet for a CT scan? Yep, I do. No wonder my scan nurse requested I be taken up stairs to the infusion center by wheelchair. I guess I have gotten all too used to seeing this pretty little wrist accessory. It is the hottest in trends 😀13051558_932191720235925_7028392533221483197_n

A Year of Transformation and Growth

by Tammy Myers

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Facebook reminded me that this image of Corryn and I was posted exactly one year ago today. My sister Kate Lockwood was in town helping me to recover from my second emergency surgery. The surgery that took what I had left of my right breast. Everyone who loved me was starting to realize that I really did in deed have cancer and most importantly they were starting to realize just how serious and scary my situation was. Where I was starting to see how important it was that I document special moments for my daughter to have and to remember me by. I know I have said it before, but when you are first told that you have cancer, the only thing that runs through your mind is that you are going to die. In a lot of cases this is scary and consuming, but if you are a mom of a young child, you immediately start to plan for a life for your child/children and husband without you in it. What it is you can do now, what you can do to prepare them, and what you can do to make things easier on them when they do face life without you in it.

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Rest and Recovery

by Tammy Myers

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After a few days in the hospital, I am officially home and resting. I will admit that I although I was still in some pain from my first round of grafting in December, I really had blocked just how painful this aspect of my surgery was going to be, but the extreme muscle weakness and pain came flooding back into my mind, the moment my post-opt nurses tried to get me out of bed for the first time. To be completely honest, I am in a LOT of pain and I am moving really slow so far, but at least I am home. At this point there isn’t much that I can do on my own with the compression garments that I have to wear from my chest down to my knees. Ok, to be real, I cannot do anything on my own. My husband has to help me remove my compression garment so I can use the bathroom, I am not allowed to shower or take a bath yet so he has to help me sponge clean and wash my hair, and he literally lifts me into bed and wipes away the pain induced tears that fill my eyes when getting into bed.

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Preparing to Tackle Another Surgery

by Tammy Myers

The last few months have been difficult and scary at times, but have also been a really great time for self growth and discovery. Although I am still dealing with some and probably always will be dealing with some of the very limiting and painful post-breast cancer side effects in addition to the side effects from the hormone therapy I will be on for the next 10-15 years, I will admit that, I do feel a tiny bit more like myself with each day that passes, which is uplifting in itself. Over the past few months, I have had several routine appointments, blood draws, scans, and X-rays that in most cases have lead to the dreaded “we have to run further testing to confirm this is not a new tumor and to confirm that your cancer is not coming back” conversation. As you can imagine, this keeps my life on an emotional roller-coaster, but it also continuously reminds me to be thankful for each and every day at the same time. I will be the first to admit that hearing those words NEVER gets easier. With each phone call my heart skips a beat and plummets into my stomach and even with my sometimes blind optimism in check, I at times still find it hard to keep my mind from going to dark places in those moments. So far a second chest x-Ray has confirmed that an opacity found on a scan is not a new breast tumor, and an echocardiogram has confirmed that I do not have any more damage to my heart then expected after taking a chemotherapy drug that decreases heart function, in addition to receiving radiation treatments that cause heart failure later, but I am still in the process of determining why my liver levels are consistently high. Elevated liver enzymes can suggest a cancer recurrence so although my levels are not dangerously high, my doctors are keeping a very close eye on things. We have been repeating and watching my blood work for months, and I have had an ultrasound done that  revealed a small mass on my liver that they actually found and documented in a previous scan. However, the good news the mass hasn’t grown too much over the past year, so my oncologist is hopeful it is not cancer. Just to be sure, I will be having a CT scan in the coming weeks to rule this possibility out all together.

Finally Saying Goodbye To These Pretty Little Reminders

by Tammy Myers

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I have tried to clean out my bra drawer several times over the past year. Each time I pulled the bras out of the drawer, organized them by size and color and bagged them up, just to stare at them blankly, dump them back into the drawer, and walk away. I honestly didn’t even realize I was doing it, but this past week, I faced the reality that I will never wear these bras again, took a deep breath and said goodbye.

The truth is I have been stuck in mastectomy bras that hold a prosthetic, ever since my first surgery last March, so these pretty little garments are no longer of use to me. Although this task seems pretty small, it was a whole lot harder then I thought it would be. It’s really not about the bras, or even the fact that I will never wear them again, but every time I had to push these little pretties aside to look for my, less then attractive, mastectomy bras, that tiny little voice in my head said “oh yeah, that really happened. I really had breast cancer and I am no longer like young women my age. I no longer have a use for feminine products, and I can no longer shop for, or wear cute little Victoria Secret bras. Rather then complaining about monthly cycles with friends my age, I commiserate with my mom about hot flashes, and I shop for and try bras on in a hospital boutique, in front of a medical professional specializing in post mastectomy garments. Which is fun let me tell you 🙂

In a way I think I was subconsciously trying to hold on to a little bit of my former self by refusing to get rid of these, but letting go is good sometimes. The reality is; these bras now serve as a reminder of another “normalcy” that I took for granted before it was taken from me…. so they must go!

I capitalized on the Victoria Secret Semi-Annual Sale in the weeks before my diagnosis so some of these bras have never been worn. If you know of anyone who could make use of a bag full of 32B and 34B bras let me know 🙂

‪#‎mypersonalpinktime‬