We Won!

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I am happy to announce that Josh Reed and the My Personal Pink Time video took home an Eclipse Award and the honor of being named “Best Documentary” last night at the Ellipse Awards Ceremony.

I caked on the healthy looking makeup and left equipped with both nausea and pain medication, but I was not going to miss an opportunity to celebrate Josh and this honor with my hubby, and Josh’s beautiful wife Erin.

I have to be honest, I had combed through every second and every detail of my video for months so it had kind of lost its emotional effect on me. However, in that moment, I for the first time unintentionally stepped outside myself long enough to actually see the impact that the collaboration of Sam’s emotional images, my words, and Josh’s amazing video skills were having having on others.

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Sharing and Teaching Round 2

_DSC3460 copy_1140When my Occupational Therapist asked me to help and let her do a live demonstration on me during a  presentation on Post Mastectomy Cording and Lymphedema that she was giving the GVSU graduating OT students this past December, I really didn’t know what to expect…  or should I say; I didn’t make time to over-think what was about to happen as I often do. Instead, I kept my promise to allow this journey with breast cancer, to take me where I was meant to go and I accepted the invitation to share some of the real struggles that come from breast cancer with young students who will indeed be in the position to help women like me in the future.. Although I walked into the lecture hall not knowing what to expect, I was completely in the moment and did exactly what felt so right. I shared not only a bit of my story, and the struggles I am still facing post mastectomy/reconstructive surgeries, but I also bared all and showed  my real lasting breast cancer battle scars and a glimpse into some of the drastic physical effects of breast cancer and how that impacts or should I say limits  aspects of your everyday life after breast cancer. I know I have said this many times before, but before my diagnosis I would have never shared these details with even my closest friends let alone a group of students I have never meant, but this year has opened me up in ways that I cannot explain. My own personal insecurities now fall second to my passion to make a difference and turn my crazy year into some type of positive. So far, following my my gut impulse and most importantly following my heart in the moment, has not let me down this year and this day was no different. Every student in the room had compassion, was engaged, and most of all every student was there in the moment with me. I was at ease, and I felt safe, but most of all, I felt like in that exact moment I had the ability to give each and every student a real look at what a young woman with breast cancer really face, even the things that nobody really ever talks about, and I had the ability to help my amazing occupational therapist Amy teach these students  first hand, so  that one day when a woman dealing with all the physical struggles that come from breast cancer is sitting in their office, they will be able to better help them with a better understanding of their struggles. Although both my husband and I were both shocked at how much I actually shared, there was no regret.  I walked out of that classroom feeling grateful that Amy asked me to be a part of her presentation, but also feeling like being there that day, was in a way fulfilling one of the purposes that has been laid before me.

_DSC3485 copy_1140That purpose got a little greater, about a month ago. A few occupational therapy students from SVSU in Saginaw, MI happened to see Grand Valley’s post about the presentation that Amy and I give on Facebook and they contacted me right away to see if both Amy and I would be willing to do a very similar presentation for their class as well. Originally they wanted us to be a part of a conference that involved, professionals, students, faculty, patients, and caregivers, however the dates just didn’t align on our end so we ended up doing a presentation one Friday afternoon after their classes had let out. This time around, I knew what to expect, I knew that I would be talking and sharing with  these students and I knew that there was a pretty great potential that I would again open myself up and bare my scars…. So I took the time to over-think it and I was nervous, but talking with my occupational therapist on the 2 hour to Saginaw helped so much. To our surprise there was no professor or instructor present that Friday, and no one was requiring that these students  were present for our presentation. In fact, they  arranged this lecture on their own time, because they wanted to be there, they wanted to meet the two of us, and most importantly they wanted to learn from us.

_DSC3537 copy_1140Realizing that, put my mind at ease right away. As I sat on the table and listened to Amy give her breast cancer background and her post mastectomy cording intro, I realized that again I was right where I was meant to be. My OT Amy, is quite amazing herself and is also a young,  two-time breast cancer survivor, so she comes with expertise from both a professional and a personal level. She explained what happens to a woman’s body during and after breast cancer, and breast surgery, and she talked about the struggles that we breast cancer warriors  face every single day.

Each and every student was hanging on every single word. I found myself taking in all that she was saying and in a sense educating myself  “on the other side of my breast care”. That was until she got the the part where she explained that typically, post mastectomy cording takes about 4-6 weeks to break up, and that it usually get’s better, but that I was her  special case, because my cording is very pesky and complicated in that it keeps returning with a vengeance thus proving that I am again that .01% that broke the mold. Oddly this surprised me. Amy then worked my cording in front of the class to show how she stretches, pulls, and even tries to break the cords that restrict the movement in my shoulder and arm. Let’s just say she didn’t hold back, so it was at times hard to hide the pain, OK it was quite obvious that it was painful….  but I did my best to smile through it. When it came time for me to share, the nerves had settled and it just felt right. Honestly if felt very much like an intimate conversation with a somewhat large group of people, if that is at all possible. The students were again, quite respectful, engaged, and almost captivated at what both Amy and I had to say, which meant we again walked out with no regrets.
_DSC3566 copy_1140We both actually really enjoyed every minute of it and mentioned that we could have spent hours with this delightful group of students. It was fun for even my husband Jordan who photographed some of the moments from the day, and playfully mentioned that the entire class had now been to second base with his wife. I feel so honored that I was able to be a part of Amy’s presentation and again I feel very honored that I was able give the students from SVSU a first hand look at what one of their future patients might be facing.
#sharingandteaching #mypersonalpinktime #SVSUotprogram

Same Infusion Chair One Year Later

IMG_8596_1140So today marks the one year anniversary of the day I started my chemotherapy treatments at Lemmon Holton cancer pavilion and I find it ironic and yet very very meant to be that one year later I am again spending my day here at Lemmon Holton. As I walked …. ok hobbled the floors, to different appointments, my mind was flooded with memories of that first, very long scary day.

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The tearful hug I got from my amazing biopsy nurse and friend before I entered the infusion center, to the first nurses Jeanne and Mindy who put my mind at ease and made me smile and laugh through the fear of what was to come as they accessed my port for the first time and started the line that would deliver my first dose of the magic medicine that made me so sick yet also saved my life. I am reminded that on this scary day I was surrounded by the love and support of my husband Jordan and my dear friend Sarah and the virtual support of all of you and I am also reminded that one year ago today I met my now very, very dear friend, Liz.

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Another Scary Cancer Scan Down:

13043515_932071903581240_1882037906177800417_nI got up this morning like normal this week, my husband helped me out of bed which is a pretty painful process post breast surgery and grafting, he helped me to bathe and to get ready, I put my optimistic game face on, struggled but get down part-one of another cylinder of pre-CT scan liquid, and we left for my first appointment, which was an acupuncture appointment for my breast cancer clinical trial. I was still obviously hurting, feeling pretty weak, kind short of breath and a bit nauseous, but mentally I was good. I actually thought acupuncture was a good way to start a scary day, but while lying on the usually calming table my eyes started to well up with tears and I realized I am little scared about this test. People always ask me how is it that I am always so optimistic, so positive, and how it is possible that even in the scariest and most painful moments I still have a smile on my face. The truth is I don’t know. I guess I am just naturally an optimistic and happy person and I am pretty good at hiding the pain and the fear, but I will admit that although I am naturally this way, it doesn’t mean that I’m not sad, scared or even worried a times. Maybe it sounds crazy to say that sometimes I am both optimistic and scared at the same time. But really I just think it means that I trust my medical team, I have faith, and I have learned that I am strong enough to face each step of what has become the rest of my life with cancer.

A Year of Transformation and Growth

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Facebook reminded me that this image of Corryn and I was posted exactly one year ago today. My sister Kate Lockwood was in town helping me to recover from my second emergency surgery. The surgery that took what I had left of my right breast. Everyone who loved me was starting to realize that I really did in deed have cancer and most importantly they were starting to realize just how serious and scary my situation was. Where I was starting to see how important it was that I document special moments for my daughter to have and to remember me by. I know I have said it before, but when you are first told that you have cancer, the only thing that runs through your mind is that you are going to die. In a lot of cases this is scary and consuming, but if you are a mom of a young child, you immediately start to plan for a life for your child/children and husband without you in it. What it is you can do now, what you can do to prepare them, and what you can do to make things easier on them when they do face life without you in it.

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Finally Saying Goodbye To These Pretty Little Reminders

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I have tried to clean out my bra drawer several times over the past year. Each time I pulled the bras out of the drawer, organized them by size and color and bagged them up, just to stare at them blankly, dump them back into the drawer, and walk away. I honestly didn’t even realize I was doing it, but this past week, I faced the reality that I will never wear these bras again, took a deep breath and said goodbye.

The truth is I have been stuck in mastectomy bras that hold a prosthetic, ever since my first surgery last March, so these pretty little garments are no longer of use to me. Although this task seems pretty small, it was a whole lot harder then I thought it would be. It’s really not about the bras, or even the fact that I will never wear them again, but every time I had to push these little pretties aside to look for my, less then attractive, mastectomy bras, that tiny little voice in my head said “oh yeah, that really happened. I really had breast cancer and I am no longer like young women my age. I no longer have a use for feminine products, and I can no longer shop for, or wear cute little Victoria Secret bras. Rather then complaining about monthly cycles with friends my age, I commiserate with my mom about hot flashes, and I shop for and try bras on in a hospital boutique, in front of a medical professional specializing in post mastectomy garments. Which is fun let me tell you 🙂

In a way I think I was subconsciously trying to hold on to a little bit of my former self by refusing to get rid of these, but letting go is good sometimes. The reality is; these bras now serve as a reminder of another “normalcy” that I took for granted before it was taken from me…. so they must go!

I capitalized on the Victoria Secret Semi-Annual Sale in the weeks before my diagnosis so some of these bras have never been worn. If you know of anyone who could make use of a bag full of 32B and 34B bras let me know 🙂

‪#‎mypersonalpinktime‬

A Break From Positive Thoughts

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My sweet baby girl woke up from her nap today with a fever. She came running into my office carrying her soft blankie (as she calls it) and Boss, her favorite stuffed doggy from Aunt Misty. She slowly opened the door and peeked her little round face in while giving me her best… “can I get up now” look. She slept for a good 2 hours and 45 minutes today, so I said, “you can come in sweetie”. Her eyes lit up and her cautious little face turned into a big smile as she ran over to me. She quickly climbed up onto my lap and then turned on the her innocent inquisitive charm, as she does every single day. She has a way of being playfully manipulative with her innocent curiosity, in an attempt to shift my “work focus” over to her, by making very funny and overly expressive faces and asking very detailed questions about every photo or graphic she sees on my monitors. She is always very strategic with her questions because she wants to buy as much time as she can, but the secret is on her. This one-on-one snuggle time at my desk with my sweet girl, is one of my favorite parts of the day, and I want to drag it out as much as she does on most days. After a year of living with the fear that cancer could take me away from my little girl and that she could actually be forced to grow up without a mommy, I have learned to appreciate and love even the littlest of moments…. and this daily moment is one of them.

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Today Marks One Year Since My Bilateral Mastectomy

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One year ago at about this exact moment in time, I was being wheeled off to the first of many scary surgeries. Today was the day that I officially said goodbye to my breasts and to my body, as I had always known it. But today was also the day that I was forced to say hello to a life with cancer. I didn’t know it at the time, but today was going to be a very pivotal day in my breast cancer journey and will most likely be a day that I always remember. Looking back through the photos, I am realizing that I no longer know the young, shy, and naive woman that I am seeing. I am grateful and even somewhat proud of how strong I was in what I now know to be very scary moments, but I am also astonished at how clueless I really was about what was heading my way, which may have been a tiny blessing as well.

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The words I’ve been longing to hear

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So today was the day. Post treatment oncology check-round 2. In some ways I have been looking forward to going to this appointment just because I would get to hug my amazing oncologist and my nurses, but I do have to admit that there is a certain amount worry that tends to creep into my mind in the days, minutes and hours before I head to my oncology visits. I have felt it a little more this time around because of a few articles that found their way onto my feed in the past two days. 2 articles in particular that were written about my exact cancer and how it can become metastatic and spread to the entire body as well as another article about someone who is currently losing their battle with cancer as I type these words. The good news is that, I can finally glace at these headlines, and even read these articles without bursting into tears and tumbling into an obvious emotional tailspin. But deep down the words still evoke a certain amount of fear and unsettle my calm, positive, and optimistic demeanor just a bit.

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Sometimes a Hat, a Wig, or a Scarf Does Far More Then Just Cover Your Head.

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There are a lot of posts rattling around in my mind right now because every day seems to be the one year anniversary of something scary from the beginning stages of my cancer journey, but I had to finally put this post into words tonight because I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I have always cared about my appearance and I have always liked to look or dress nice, but I didn’t realize what a difference it made until I was about 18. Right about the time I graduated from high school, I started to realize that people treated me differently when I was dressed down, in comparison to when I was dressed up. So beyond the hours that I spent working at a local daycare, I almost exclusively dressed like a business professional at the age of 17-18. To the point that most people that met me actually thought I was, or at least thought that I was older and more mature. I kept this up all the way through college and even early on into my career. Actually I think I kept it up until I turned 30, and it hit me that it was now better to try to look younger and more hip. However, I still have a love for business attire and I have never forgotten the difference in how people treated me when I was dressed like a professional rather then a student. I just didn’t realize that the entire notion would come back into play for me again later in life…. Just in a very different way.

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