We are very sad to report that the Kent County Judge that was assigned to our case has denied our second request to obtain legal rights to our babies. This means we are not able to put Eames and Ellison on our insurance plan, but also that we will now have to go through the very extensive adoption process to gain legal rights. We have been radio silent about this entire process knowing that it is a sensitive matter, however, it is something we can no longer keep private.
To give you a bit of a background, the state of Michigan has not updated the surrogacy act since 1988 which is mind-blowing considering the technological advances in fertility over the past 33 years. This means that there is not a clear path to obtain legal rights for babies born via gestational carrier or surrogate in Michigan, making Michigan one of only TWO states who have not updated surrogacy laws with technological advances in infertility and family building. This makes the gestational carrier process a little trickier in Michigan but not impossible in most parts of the state. In fact, a lot of Michigan judges are granting pre-birth orders to couples like us when both intended parents (Jordan and myself) are married, when the intended parents and the gestational carrier agree on legal rights and are both represented by independent legal representation, and when there is a genetic link between at least one parent and the baby(s). Despite the outdated laws in Michigan several judges across the state have even declared both of the biological/intended parents to be the legal parents in a pre-birth order under the compassionate surrogacy case. This is what we had hoped would happen in our case. Sadly it did not. Our first blow came about a month ago when we found out that our judge not only dismissed our petition to obtain maternal and paternal rights to the babies but also denied our request for a hearing. The hardest part was that he literally made his decisions without the proper time to read through the documents and fully consider our case.
Hearing that my only shot at being recognized as the legal mother to our biological babies before they were born and that I would have to adopt them as a step-parent in the “best-case scenario” was devastating for both Jordan and I. In the days that followed, we spent a lot of time looking into our options including what it would take to legally adopt if neither of us was granted rights. Hearing things like “Lauren is technically their mother-since she is the only one who is nurturing them right now” and that “we are extremely “lucky” that we would even get the chance to adopt the babies (our babies) given not all couples are chosen for adoption” were especially hard to hear. As hurtful and offensive as it was, we were still hopeful that Jordan could at least obtain his legal rights to the babies under the paternity act of 1956 given that he is also a biological parent. Above all, I truly believed that there wasn’t a judge on the planet that could listen to our story and heartlessly deny us rights to our babies. I didn’t think it was possible for a judge to knowingly make it harder for a loving family to gain legal rights to their own biological children when there is no one fighting them for the rights in question.
It’s been a hard few years, but this pregnancy and these babies represent so much hope and joy for Jordan, myself, and Corryn. For the first time in years, we felt like we were turning a corner, that we had earned a new beginning. Most of all, we were elated to have the opportunity to rejoice in the happiness that so many around us are blessed to take for granted. This past Friday we received the call and our attorney tearfully informed us that the judge had again dismissed our case without granting a hearing and he was not even willing to discuss the matter with either of our legal representatives.
To say we are heartbroken would be the understatement of the century, but despite all of the heartache and tears that this injustice has brought upon our family, we know that we have been blessed in more ways than we could ever express. We were blessed that I was able to fight my cancer into remission and that I am still here on earth and able to be a parent to our daughter Corryn and now our twins Eames and Ellison. We are blessed that Lauren and her family came into our lives when they did and that they were selflessly willing to help us grow our family with zero benefits to their own. We are blessed to have found an amazing attorney who is willing to do anything and everything in her power to help us obtain legal rights to our babies and most of all we are blessed that both Eames and Ellison were delivered safely during a worldwide pandemic and that we will eventually be able to bring our babies home and start our lives together as a family of 5 no matter the steps it takes to get there. For all of this, we will be eternally grateful.
However, nothing about this legal process has been fair or just. And nothing about this decision is RIGHT or even OK.
It is time for our great state of Michigan to rise above this injustice and join 48 other US States in recognizing the rights of biological parents like Jordan and myself, who have already been robbed of bringing their babies into the world in a natural way. A complex medical history should not put the legal rights of your biological children in question. The truth is our babies are not an idea. They are real living human beings who happen to need the support of their parents while they heal and grow in the NICU. This is truly the last thing that should be on our minds during what is filled with JOY and excitement for most parents.
This process started nearly 5 years ago. I had just been given the devastating news that had breast cancer at the age of 33. At the time of my diagnosis, my husband and I were trying for our second child, so naturally one of my very first questions was “Can I have more children?”. Looking back, I now realize just how hard it must have been to look my eyes and deliver news that would shatter my entire world in an instant and then delver even more bad news. At that moment my oncologist’s number one job was to save my life, but I am beyond grateful that she also had the foresight to help me preserve my fertility. I learned a lot of things that the very first week of my diagnosis. I learned that you are never “too young” for breast cancer and that only 11% of young women diagnosed have a family history of breast cancer. I learned that although the government does not require testing under 40, it doesn’t mean that you are not at risk. I learned that you truly cannot fully understand the devastation, loss, and pain that comes with a cancer diagnosis until you have faced one yourself. I learned that I am loved far more than I could have ever imagined and that I am surrounded by a community of wonderful people willing to help in moment’s notice. I learned just how strong, hopeful and determined I can be in facing my greatest fears and worst of all, facing my own mortality. I also learned that no matter how strong of a person you are, cancer is better fought with a village of supporters behind you every step of the way. Most of all, I learned that no matter how much you try to plan your life out, the future and your health are two things you should never take for granted.
That first week has become somewhat of a blur to me but I do very vividly remember trying to keep my head on my shoulders as my world spiraled out of control. We met with more specialists that week then I could ever count but one appointment that stands out in our mind is our meeting with Dr. Young from The Fertility Center here in West Michigan. I remember feeling defeated before walking in the door and wondering if I was crazy to consider harvesting my eggs when I didn’t know what my future would hold… or if I had a future at all. I worried that spending the money would be a waste yet if I wasn’t alive to try for a second baby, but I also knew that I had to know my options. Dr. Young was so kind, gentle and compassionate, but he also had to deliver quite devastating news. I remember him saying that he was very sorry that I was facing such a scary diagnosis at such a young age. He then said that he wished he had better news for me, but the only way for me to preserve my ability to have another biological child after cancer was to do an emergency egg harvest before my treatments began (so very quickly) and use a gestational carrier to carry our child. This process did come with a very hefty price tag and some risk, as it would require pumping my body full of the hormones that were in-a-sense feeding my cancer. But, it was also the only way, so we had a BIG decision. This was 3:00 on a Friday afternoon and I was scheduled the following Monday. The last thing he said to me was ask Dr. Melnik, (my surgical oncologist) to give her blessing on this process before you are wheeled in for surgery. With her blessing, the plan was to get started right after the surgery. It was a very hard decision and sadly we only had 48 hours to make it.
After an entire weekend of emotional roller coasters, we along without families made the very bold decision to harvest my eggs immediately following my bilateral mastectomy surgery. Looking back there are so many emotions that ran through my mind during these moments, but at the end of the day, I knew that if I was able to walk away from Cancer, I didn’t want to live with the regret of not taking action. It was a leap of fate as we truly did not know if this day would ever come, but we have never once regretted our decision. After a very difficult few weeks and more ER visits than I can count, Dr. Dodd’s was able to harvest 58 of my eggs and we were able to freeze 16 of our embryos before I started my chemotherapy treatments. After the harvest, I did my very best to put the whole idea out of my mind so I could focus on what was most important at the time. My family… and beating cancer!
Through all of my treatments, surgeries, and recoveries, this hope has been a driving force in my mind. Next to dreaming of a cancer-free future, I have also spent so many nights lying awake in my bed dreaming of the day that I could give Corryn a brother or sister. Over the years I have experienced several ups and downs with this process from grief, to hope, and even anger. And I will even admit that I have shed many tears in knowing that I cannot make this dream happen for Corryn or our family on my own. As a perfectionist who prides herself on being 100% in control of her situation 100% of the time, I should tell you this has been one of the hardest aspects of my post-cancer life. In the beginning, I wanted this for my husband and I, but over the years I come to realize that I also want this for Corryn as well. She has wanted to become a big sister so much so that she has not held back in innocently sharing how sad it makes her that she is all alone as the only child in our family when most of her friends have siblings to play with. Even announcing that she wishes our friend Sarah was her mommy because then she would have 3 sisters. Ehhhh (YES insert crazy emotional mom-tears here).
I have have done my best to stay positive, but I will also admit that it has been somewhat hard to watch others around me have babies. It has been hard not go to the “why me” part of your brain and feel that life isn’t fair, but I have remained as optimistic as possible and I have kept the faith that there is still a plan for me. I do everything I can to separate myself and believe that if and when the timing is right, it will happen for us. My best friend has even helped me keep this dream alive in my heart by secretly planning to try to choreograph shared pregnancies. It was our plan that she would get pregnant with her 3rd child around the same time that we use a carrier to achieve pregnancy with our second child so I could experience all of the amazing feelings of pregnancy through her. What is crazy is that she told me she was pregnant for her third child this past fall, just a few weeks after I applied for the SAMFUND grant. So, you can imagine the excitement I felt when I got the news that our family had been selected for the grant. My dream was coming to life in a truly serendipitous form.
Since receiving the grant news so many things have happened including the post we wrote that kicked all of this off. Initially, we wanted to keep things very private because we are not certain we will have pregnancy success, however, we came to realize that we would never be able to make this happen on our tight-timeline without going public with our news and search for a gestational carrier. So, we again took a step out of our comfort zone, put on a brave face, and very publicly announced that we were looking for an angel to carry our biological child. Within 24 hours our post had been viewed over 10,000 times and emails were pouring in. Fox 17 even picked up the story which sent our search into overdrive. We did have to go a bit “radio silent” after our original post so that we could take time to go through all the emails while also diving into the very complex process of using a gestational carrier in a state where it is illegal to hire a carrier in general. Since then have been navigating very uncertain legal and medical waters in a complex process and doing our best to follow our hearts. But I truly cannot put into words the emotions that have been running through my mind over the past 6 weeks. I do have to say that the outpouring of support from all of you and our West Michigan community has truly been nothing short of awe-inspiring. We had quite a few women reach out to us with very very big hearts and willing arms. This was something I had not considered, and it did make for a VERY tough decision…. but it also lead to an idea to pay all of this love forward and help other couples in West Michigan find gestational carriers of their own as well.
We do have good news! As of a few weeks ago, we officially have a gestational carrier who is willing to carry our baby. We have all met with a counselor at The Fertility Center to talk through the entire process including the emotional journey that has unfolded over the past few years for me, we have hired an attorney (one of 3 in the state) to start drafting the “non-legally binding – contract which is required to move forward with the carrier process at TFC, we have received coverage confirmation from both sets of insurance, The Samfund has made our first payment, and as of Friday afternoon, Dr. Dodd’s has medically cleared our carrier and noted that she is an A+ option for us. Although success is not guaranteed, the process has begun. No matter what happens from this point on, we do know that we have already been blessed by having so many wonderful women/couples step forward to offer our family such an amazing gift. Most of all we will know that we tried.
I have dreamed about the woman who would carry our child since that very scary first appointment at The Fertility Center. I wondered if she would be someone close to me or someone I had met along the way. I spent a lot of time thinking about how I would feel in knowing that another woman would be taking my place in an act that is so beautiful and meaningful to our family, and I wondered how I would feel in knowing that my carrier can do something that I am no longer able to do myself. Mostly, I thought about how special it was to feel Corryn grow inside of me and how sad it would make me that I would not feel that growing bond form with a second child. But I have to admit that although I do know that there is still some grieving for me to do in accepting my limited involvement, my mind and my heart are full of hope and love because of one very special woman and her husband. Because of this amazing woman, I am no longer dwelling on my inability to do this for our family, nor am I fearing all that I will miss out on because I am not able to carry my child myself. Instead, I find myself dreaming of the very special relationship that is forming with this amazing woman who has been placed into my life and the bond that is already forming as we start this journey together. To my surprise, I find myself dreaming of all of the same very special moments that you dream about when you are pregnant with any child. I’m just now dreaming about experiencing all of these moments with a very special friend by my side. I envision feeling our baby kick through her belly as if that were a normal thing to experience. I envision the nursery design, baby items strewn about the house, and Corryn being the best big sister ever. And all of these heartfelt visions lead me back to gratitude for a woman that I didn’t even know two months ago. I’m struggling to put it all into words, but the fact that a woman who I may never have met outside of this situation felt passionately compelled to help us achieve this beautiful blessing simply because she could, is simply amazing beyond measure. The truth is, this woman is a huge part of this new and exciting path and like so many other aspects of my cancer journey, it has become very apparent that she was also meant to be a part of this all along. In a very peaceful way, I feel that my heavenly soul sister Erin has had a very heavy hand in bringing this beautiful blessing into my life. I feel her love all around me every single day and I know that I now have the very best gradian angel by my side through all of this.
So without further ado. I would like to introduce you to Lauren and her husband Johnathon. Lauren was the very first women to reach out to us. Reading her heartfelt words sent goosebumps down my spine and filled my heart with so so much hope and joy. In her very first message she explained that she felt compelled and even called to help us bring a beautiful blessing into our lives because its was something she had always wanted to do. She has also felt very guided through this entire process and has said that she too feels that all of this has felt very “right” and meant-to-be for her as well.
We did meet a few couples in person and I will admit that we fell in love with them all. The first meetings were filled with so much excitement, but they were also a bit awkward for everyone involved. In a very funny way, it was a bit like a speed date that ended in a shotgun wedding. But honestly, hearing why these couples wanted to bless our family put our nerves at ease quite quickly and I found myself holding back tears. It takes a very special woman to consider carrying someone else’s child in her body, but it also takes an incredible husband to support such an amazing act. We are so very blessed.
Last February I got a call from my dear friend Vicki. I could tell by the crackle in her voice when she said Hi Sweetie, I have an idea that I want to talk to you about and I want you to be a part of it. Like usual I got goosebumps right away because I knew this little project idea was going to be something meaningful for both of us. I just had no idea it was going to be so perfectly choreographed with the struggles that were unfolding in my own life. However, there is a part of me that believes that Vic knew deep down it was exactly what I needed. Vicki was preparing to turn 60, and in celebration of all of her incredible, sometimes difficult and always lesson-filled years she wanted to come up with a way to give back. So we dove in right away and came up with a plan to not only send love to the 60 women who have inspired, supported, and guided Vicki through the years, but we also we also set out to create a kindness pay-it-forward campaign of our own in, hopes that we could spread kindness even further. We coined our passion-filled project “Project Kindness”. Vicki’s plan was to mail 60 personalized cards to 60 women who have inspired, supported, and helped to guide her over the past 60 years. To take it a step further she wanted to include $5 in each card so that each woman could do something special for themselves, however, our hope was also to inspire each of these 60 women to spread a little kindness of their own by keeping the trail of kindness going.
Corryn and Mommy 2018
I knew right away that I wanted my first Project Kindness action to be a lesson for my young daughter. I was fortunate enough to have some pretty strong role models in my life that taught me the value of kindness, however, I remember one lesson, in particular, that was a defining moment in developing my own personal character. I was in 4th grade at Patterson Elementary and there was a new student who was having a really hard time fitting in with the other students in my class. I’m from a small town where everyone knows who you are so looking back now, I can see how hard it must have been to break into social groups that had been forming since preschool. As a 9-year-old, I remember feeling bad when I noticed that this new girl seemed to be a little down. I even remember taking the time to talk to her and make her feel welcome, but when my classmates started teasing her, I froze. I knew what they were doing was wrong, and I knew I was not going to join them. However, I was lacking the confidence that I needed to stand up to my friends in her defense. It was so many years ago now, but I still remember it very well because it was a bit of a struggle for me. Some time had passed and things had gotten better… or less noticeable on the outside, but the teasing or bullying continued to happen a bit behind the scenes. That’s when the school counselor Jane Jordan pulled myself and a fellow classmate into her office. I was a panicked mess when we were called to the principal’s office because I was NOT a kid that got into trouble. When we got there, we were immediately told that we had done nothing wrong. In fact, the counselor actually thanked us for not joining in on the teasing with this student, and told us that she wanted to talk to the two of us specifically because she saw us as leaders in our classroom, and in our school. Most of all, she thought that we might have the ability to help in a bigger way. She talked a little bit about kindness and in a very subtle way she suggested that if we stood up to our classmates in support of this new student, the rest of our class might just follow our lead in welcoming her into the group. Jane may not know it, but in that very short conversation, she helped shape such a big part of the person I am today. She not only helped me to understand and act on my own empathy, but she also helped me to realize how powerful one simple act of kindness can be for someone who needs it. For us, this request seemed like something really small, but to this young girl, it was something much bigger. In fact, it just may have been everything to her in that moment.
This very positive lesson came full circle for me this past year when I found myself in Jane’s shoes. Only this time the new-girl who was struggling to fit in, was my daughter Corryn. For the past few years, Jordan and I have been working towards the goal of moving into the Forest Hills school district because it offers one of the very best educations in the area. Last summer we were on the search for the perfect house in a VERY hot housing market and unfortunately, we didn’t find our home in time for Corryn to start school in her new neighborhood. However, we were lucky enough to win the school lottery and get her into the Forest Hills district at Collins Elementary. In another meant-to-be moment, Corryn was placed in Miss Jenell Spindle’s Kindergarten class the Friday before school started. We got to meet Jenell her teacher, a half an hour before school started the following Monday morning, and within the first moments of meeting her, I knew my baby was in the right place… Janell has a big heart and you can truly see her love for each and every student just by looking into her eyes. She is one of those people that leave a lasting impression on your heart.
Corryn and Miss Janell Spindal, Collins Elementary School. 2017
I was the classic mom of an only child starting kindergarten; both tearful and excited for my baby to conquer the world. And Corryn, well…. she just couldn’t wait to meet all of her new friends. She had always been little miss social and independent, so we were not worried about how she would do as she embraced this new adventure. In fact, I barely got a hug as the bell rang and she ran off to play with all of the other kids. She loved kindergarten, her teacher, and she had lots of friends that kept her excited to come back every single day. However, all of this changed purchased our new home.
Initially, we were very torn. We absolutely knew that we would move Corryn to Ada Elementary eventually, however, the question was when. Do we uproot her during the school year after she has already formed relationships with both her teacher and so many friends, or do we let her finish out the year with a teacher who knows and loves her and let her start fresh at a new school in the fall? It truly was one of the hardest decisions we have had to make as parents. After all, we were moving for Corryn, yet it seemed to be hurting her the most during in that moment. After a few weeks, we decided to talk with both schools and work together to make the best decision we could. Everyone involved agreed that Corryn was a very confident, flexible and easy-going little girl who seemed to be friends with everyone in the class. In the end, we all felt she would do really well with the transition and decided that she should move schools right away so she could start building relationships with the children that she would essentially be growing up with.
Although the process was hard, it was also seamless. The teachers and principals from both schools communicated with one another to make the transition as easy as possible for us, and for Corryn. The plan was to move her after Thanksgiving break. We didn’t tell Corryn about the move in schools until the week before. When we broke the news, she did seem really sad, however, she was very excited that she was going to be able to go to school with her best friend Jackson, and that she would be able to ride the bus. On her last day at Collins Elementary, we stopped at her new school to take a tour and meet her new teacher Mrs. Anderson. And then took treats to her classmates at Collins where they had a little going away party planned for her. Although Corryn seemed to be doing fine, it was a pretty hard day for Jordan and I. Ok it was pretty terrible. We both walked out the school that morning in tears… Jordan included. We just couldn’t help but feel that everything that we had been fighting for in moving, was now ripping our baby from a school and a teacher who loved her. As I walked into to pick Corryn up that final afternoon, the lump in my throat was quite hard to swallow but I managed to compose myself until I walked around the corner and literally ran face first into Corryn’s teacher Jenell. She had just taken Corryn down to after-school care and she was teary eyed herself. As we walked down the hall to get her together she gave me one more giant hug and told me how much she enjoyed having Corryn in her class and that she really enjoyed getting to know me as well. You could see and feel the love pouring out of this amazing women and when the tears started to stream down her face. Before I knew it, we were both losing it, right there in the hallway. One of the biggest gifts that Jenell gave me was in tearfully telling me that she was really going to miss the “positive energy” that Corryn brought to her class. In that moment I knew she loved my sweet girl and wanted the best for her as much as we did, but my mind also filled with very mixed and fearful emotions that have been spiraling in my mind since the day I was diagnosed.
Saying goodbye was hard, but we quickly shifted our focus to the exciting new adventure that Corryn was going to have the following week. We focused all of our energy into building her up for a positive new start at a brand new school. She was pretty excited from the start because her buddy told her that Ada Elementary had a rock wall in the gym, and because in her own words “she was really excited to make even more friends!” As a bonus Miss Spindle happened to know her new teacher, so she talked with her before we transitioned and got her caught up on all things Corryn. Our new principal Mrs. Van Antwerp and teacher Mrs. Anderson went way out of their way and did an amazing job of making Corryn, Jordan and I feel welcomed into the community they have build within the school. Although it was a hard day for us as parents, we received updates and photos from both her teacher and her principal throughout the day and best of all we got to see very big smiles on Corryn’s face. We were blessed with two amazing schools in one school year put our minds at ease.
Corryn truly loves Ada Elementary however after a week or so, she started to realize that she wasn’t going back to her old school. She started saying that she missed her friends, but it took a few weeks before we noticed a shift in her demeanor. We really wanted to chalk it up to her missing her first kindergarten class initially, but it was more than that. She seemed really down and a bit withdrawn at first, but never wanted to talk about what was bothering her. Sadly I think she has learned how to use a game face from her mommy, which makes me feel even worse. She realized that her being upset, concerned us, so she started keeping it all inside and the impressionable age of five. Although she managed to take it all and stride at school, we could see that she was no longer our confident and social little girl. We could see the sprinkle was fading out of her big brown eyes and it was breaking our hearts in more ways than we could ever count. The hardest part was hearing her break down when she told me that the kids at her new school didn’t like her, and that she didn’t want to tell us because she didn’t want us to think she was weird too. As a parent you are helpless. No matter how much you teach, guide, prepare and plan, you cannot protect your babies when you send them out into the world. But we knew that we had to try.
Making the call was the hard part because we didn’t want to overreact and shield her from a good relationship building lesson, but at the same time, we didn’t want this to become something that defined her early school years. We were happy to hear that her new teacher was already taking notice of the shift in demeanor as well, and she already had a few suggestions for us. Both her teacher and her school counselor jumped into action right away and took the necessary steps to help Corryn navigate through a very challenging situation and even helped her to personally grow from the process.
It was during this very long and emotional process, that I got the call from my dear friend Vicki and the stars again aligned for us. Our conversation took me back to the day I welcomed my beautiful baby into this world, but also to the day that I realized that cancer could take me from her. It hit me like a ton of bricks to again realize I may not have the time to teach my daughter all of the things that I wanted to teach her and most of all, and it I I may not be able to use my own experiences to help shape her into the person I had hoped she would become.
This topic was top of mind for me during that first painful and scary few years, but as anyone who has faced cancer knows, you have no choice but to prepare for the very worst… and hope for the very best. I made a point to talk to my husband about all of the things that I wanted Corryn to know about me and I set a few plans into motion in the process. I reached out to a photographer to ask her to help me document my story so I could create a book for her daddy to give her when she was at the right age if I wasn’t here to do it myself. Cancer has a way of taking over your world and turning everything upside down at the same time, but if you are the parent of a young child this emotional battleground takes you to a whole new level. You try to be hopeful, but cannot help but feel helpless and defeated every single day. It is an epic internal battle that you truly cannot understand unless you have faced it yourself. And if you are an “action” driven “fixer” like myself, knowing that you have no ability or power to change what is happening to you and your family, is by far the hardest part.
When the fear and the sadness took over, I subconsciously distracted myself with planning for the unknown. I had a mental checklist that helped me to push the emotional turmoil to the outer edges of my mind. I spent endless hours making lists of what I wanted Corryn to learn from me in my time with her, I wrote her cards for every milestone I could miss, and I even went as far as contacting women in my life who I felt could help Jordan teach her important life lessons when the perfect time arose. I was determined to do everything in my power to guide my baby girl, even if I couldn’t be here to do it myself. I have learned a lot about myself and my cancer since that very scary first day, and I am now very optimistic about my long-term prognosis, but as another parent and I discussed today; I am a very optimistic person 95% of the time, but there will always be the other 5% that leaves me feeling “cautiously optimistic” in knowing that the floor could fall out from under me at any moment. This is why I have vowed to channel my sometimes crippling fears into heartfelt and meaningful actions and make a difference with the life that I have been given.
Project Kindness Ambassadors
Today marks 4 years to the day that I met Dr. Elaina Tanner and discussed the lump that I found in my breast. Although I gained an amazing friend in Eliana, this memory has taken a bit of the sweetness out of Valentine’s Day these past few years. However, thanks to my amazing friend Vicki for initiating this project one year ago, to Heather, a very very very special and amazing first grade teacher shares my passion to make a difference but also truly holds a special place in my heart, and an equally amazing principal who not only made a trip to my house to discuss this project while I was recovering from surgery, but also allowed me to join her in her own kindness efforts at Ada Elementary; I spent my day full of excitement and joy as I watched this crazy little idea come to life at Corryn’s school with wall graphics, staff shirts, announcements made by the principal and Corryn, videos, and photos. The best part was that I was able to join in the Project Kindness fun that afternoon at Corryn’s Valentine’s Day party and meet a few of the faculty members that I have not yet met.
The idea for Project Kindness was born out Vicki’s desire to give back after a lifetime of gratitude and love, and also my desire to make this world a kinder place for my daughter. The past few years have taught me a lot about who I am and how I hope to be remembered, but this experience has specifically taught me to “be the example” that I want my daughter to learn from. The best part of all this is, that I get to be here to share this project and this lesson with her myself. I cannot help but feel that the experience I had during my own elementary school years truly was meant to prepare me to help my own daughter through the very same experience and that it was meant to ultimately motivate me to initiate Project Kindness within Corryn’s school.
Project Kindness Phase One. Mrs. Anderson’s Kindergarten Class 2018
Project kindness is a pay-it-forward campaign that starts in the classroom and encourages our children to be kind in every aspect of their life. The project technically started last year in Mrs. Anderson’s Kindergarten class when where her teacher shared a bit of the background with the students and Corryn completed her first kindness action in making every classmate a card, but… it officially launched school-wide today at Ada Elementary. The process and the specifics will be ever evolving as we set everything into motion this month, but Kim, Corryn’s principal has already done an amazing job of laying a foundation for the program and helping me to put an “action plan” in place for her students. For now the project lives within the walls of Ada Elementary, however, our bigger goal is to walk kindness right out of our school, outside of Ada, and beyond. And our greatest hope is that Project Kindness will become a kindness movement that other schools want to join in on. Together we truly can walk Kindness around the world.
I owe a big thank you to so many who have helped with this process and I want you all to know that this Valentine’s Day… my heart was full of happiness, gratitude, and hope.
Would you believe me if I told you that before cancer, I used to be the shyest most reserved person you had ever met, and I would have done anything to avoid talking about my own feelings, personal thoughts, or struggles?
2 years ago, Cancer was NOT even on my radar. In fact, Cancer was something that I thought happened to other people, not something that I thought would ever happen to me… Until it did.
As many of you know I found the lump myself, but not because I was doing a self breast exam. I found it because I had been experiencing really sharp shooting pains in my chest pains for at least 6 months. When the pain was bad I would push the palm of my hand up against my chest. That’s how I found the lump. I didn’t tell anyone about it for a few weeks, but my mind was filling with fear and all I could think about was the fact that cancer could take me from my family. After doing a lot of research I realized that I had to tell my husband….. and I had to make the call. I saw my OBGYN first. She said that based on my age alone most doctors would recommend watching it for 6 months, but she said she wasn’t going to take any chances with me because she had a family history of breast cancer. She sent me for a mammogram, an ultrasound and Biopsy right away to rule out cancer. After two mammograms, I was sent to have an ultrasound. My technician was about midway through the scan when she said she had to talk to the radiologist. She tried desperately to make it seem like a routine part of the process, but I was starting to see realize what was happening. She was gone for at least 20 minutes so I had a lot of time to let my mind wander but I was oddly no longer thinking all the scary cancer thoughts, instead my mind was racing with moments from my life that made me feel like that exact moment was all part of a bigger plan for me.
One year ago today I finished my radiation treatments.
For 9 months I had been counting down to this very day, the day that I would walk out of Lemmon Holton Cancer Pavilion knowing my hardest treatments were complete and my cancer was behind me. I thought this day was going bring a since of accomplishment, joy and relief, but boy did I have another thing coming.
One year ago today may have marked the end of my intense chemo and radiation treatments, however it also marked the first day of my survivorship or what I like to call my “now what” phase. Which just happens to be longest and by far the hardest phase of my cancer journey. I walked out those doors feeling anxious, fearful, and worried and all of a sudden the weight of the world was on was again on my shoulders, but now in ways that I had never felt before. For 9 months I knew exactly what I had to do to fight my cancer. I saw my oncologist every 3 weeks, my Chemo Nurse, and my Oncology Nurse practitioner regularly, and I saw my infusion nurse nearly everyday. I was being monitored very closely and if anything came up, it was addressed on the spot. As my Oncologist hugged me and said I’ll see you in 3 months, I put on my best smile, but it was hard to fight back the tears that were filling my eyes. There were no tests, no scans, nothing to confirm that the treatments had worked, nothing to assure me that the positive cancer margin that I had left after my bilateral mastectomy were now gone, and nothing to comfort this fear. We were just trusting the science behind chemo and radiation therapy alone and hoping for the best. At this point both my oncologist and my oncology nurse told me that I needed to pay very very close attention to my body and call them right away if anything new was happening because they would get me in, in a moments notice. They said I needed to become the hypochondriac that they were trying so hard to help me become over the course of my treatments, but now I couldn’t help but feel it was all on me. What if I missed something? What if I misinterpreted a sign or most importantly what if there were no signs at all? My mind was racing with fears and concerns. Did my treatments work, did the fact that they deceased my recommended chemo regimen by 25% (because my body couldn’t handle it) decrease the effectiveness of my treatments, what if going through IVF and putting a very high dose of hormones back into my body was a bad idea, was I ever going to feel like me again? As my mind filled with fear and doubt, my anxiety was going through the roof and an internal battle began in my mind. After all I was supposed to be happy, I was supposed to feel better, I was supposed to be putting the bad, the hard, and the scary behind me and I was above all, I was supposed to be getting my life back. In the beginning you are prepared for everything that is about to happen to you and you are told, it is going to be a hard year, but you assume things will get better when that “bad year” comes to a close and the worst of it is over. Unfortunately despite what those on the outside think, this is not what happens as a cancer patient finishes treatments.
Initially it seems like a lot of physical work, or it did for me. My body was and is just plain beaten down after chemo/radiation treatments and surgeries. I didn’t have the energy to do anything and even walking across the room made me faint, weak, and winded. I struggled and still struggle to lift my left arm above my head because of auxiliary web cording from my mastectomy surgery, and to top it off I was now starting a 10-15 year hormone therapy regime that would cause severe and debilitating bone and joint pain, as well as osteopenia, which is the early on-set of Osteoporosis; when your bones begin to deteriorate because your body is being stripped of all hormones. I was now facing another year of surgeries including several reconstructive surgeries and the surgery that would forever take my ability to bare the second child I was planning for before my life was turned upside down. The after effects of being medically forced into menopause were also starting to become more then I expected them to be. The headaches, the night sweats, the hot flashes, the pain, and the biggest challenge of losing all closeness and intimacy with my husband at the age of 33 bothered me more and more every day. That’s when it hit me. Nothing about me was the same and it never would be again, despite what everyone around me thought. When I stood in front of the Mirror I did not see Tammy, or even any glimmer of the Tammy I had always been. Rather, I saw someone who had been broken, someone frail, defeated, and most of all someone full of pain, sadness, and fear. It wasn’t just what happened externally in loosing all of the body parts that made me feel like a women and filling my once young looking body with scars because that part I had excepted, or even the weight gain or loss of elasticity in my skin due to the medically induced menopause that were the biggest changes; the biggest changes happened within me and that is something you can only see by looking beyond my smile. I could no longer relate to normal daily conversations with family and friends because cancer became my everything. I could no longer think about the future with delight and anticipation because instead I wondered if I would even be here to see the milestones that my daughter would achieve. I really had lost the ability have fun, the ability to just be “me”, or even the ability to just live life. But the hardest part still to this day, is knowing that the awful “c” word would always be lurking in my world. That no matter what do, no matter how I eat, and no matter how I live, my cancer could always come back and take me from my family.
If dealing with all of this isn’t enough, I had to add on the hardest aspect of all. I now had to figure out how to navigate through all of this and still put on a smile on my face because to the outside world I was expected to feel better, to be happy, and to be me again. I was supposed to be picking up the pieces of my former life and moving forward with a me that I didn’t know yet. Everywhere I went, I heard “oh my gosh you look so great”. “You must be feeling so much better now that your treatments are done”. Every time I heard this, I couldn’t help but be reminded of how wrong that statement was, I couldn’t help but think of how much cancer has taken from me, and how much it is still impacting my life and my mind.
Over the past year I have began to work through all of this, but it has not been an easy process and I cannot say that this process or this work will ever be complete as it too seems to be a very long journey in itself. I would say that my relationships have changed in both good ways and not so good ways. I do feel that in some ways cancer has brought me closer to some and even strengthened some bonds, however I am realizing that I am somewhat withdrawn from even those who used to be closest to me, because what I am going through mentally and emotionally post cancer is something that someone who hasn’t been through cancer themselves could never understand, which creates a certain level of isolation in itself. Every pain, cough, or change in my blood work triggers a fear that my cancer is back and every time I look back on photos from the past year and a half I am reminded of the time that I was not able to be the mommy I wanted to be for Corryn. I do my best to then remind myself that I was doing what I had to do, to ensure I will be here to see her grow into a beautiful women, but the truth is my cancer could still come back. I received a comment that drives home what we young cancer patients already know to be true. When you are diagnosed with breast cancer under the age of 40, your cancer is different then if you are diagnosed over the age of 55. It is stronger, more aggressive, faster growing, and it is far more likely to return and metastasize in our bodies. A women commented on my page by saying that she was in a group of young cancer patients 12 years ago and not one of those young women are alive today. This thought haunts me and sadly it always will.
But on the positive side, I have also learned more about myself over the past year, then I have over my entire lifetime and I truly do believe that I didn’t become the person I was meant to be, until cancer brought me to my knees. With all of the sadness, fear, and anxiety I am learning to accept and even embrace the new me and most of the time, I even like the new me better. I have always been a very optimistic and positive minded person and I have tried to approach my new life with cancer in the same way. With each day, I make a little more progress, and I am learning that even on the days that take me a few steps backwards, there is always something that can be learned from those steps. For me, it took letting go of what I cannot control and accepting that my cancer could return and take me from my family, before I could actually put that fear aside long enough to live in the moment again and actually smile from my soul. There are still days that this fear does consume me, but on those days I try to listen to my dear friend Vicki and have compassion for myself, and most of all, I try to allow myself to feel what I am feeling for as long as I need, and then I dust myself off and put my game face back on. Looking back I am still not sure I would take any of my cancer journey back, because of all of the life lessons and self-growth it has brought my way, however, if I could make those who don’t love or appreciate their own lives, see just how lucky they are or even just take away some of the fears that lurk in my own mind I would jump at the chance. With that being said, if I could offer any bit of advice to someone in my shoes; it would be to keep your heart and your mind open through your entire journey. Don’t fixate on getting the life you had back, but rather open yourself up to seeing the life you were meant to lead. Don’t worry about the day you will be taken, but rather try to live in the moment today. And above all if your new life with cancer has you feeling sad, fearful, or anxious in ways that others around you could never understand, give yourself that day to feel it. You… We have earned those days, and we need those days in order to get back to the good days. If I could offer any words of advice to a spouse or caretaker or even a friend on the outside, I would tell you to remember that just because we cancer warriors are starting to look healthy on the outside with budding hair and eyebrows it doesn’t mean that we are even a little bit ok on the inside or even that we are “better” at all. Cancer is not something you get through and move on from. It is something that we did not choose but happened anyway, and worst of all it is something that will linger over us causing fear of the unknown, long-term pain, and even some level of sadness and loss for the rest of our lives.
It has been a little over a week since I was released from the hospital for the second time and I am once again perplexing my entire medical team…. or as my nurses point out, keeping all of my specialists on their toes. I will be honest, It has been a really hard few weeks as I recover from my chest tube procedure and extended stays in the hospital and both the emotional and physical pain that comes with that. I have been doing all that I can physically stand to do to distract myself from the fact that I have again been reminded that I am that .1% and as always I fall into the rare category with everything. As hard as it is for me, I have I to admit that I have had some of my lowest points since the very day I was diagnosed these past few weeks and, I actually took my positive and hopeful hat off and just felt, sad, frustrated, and even mad that I am still going through what I am going through 17 months after my diagnosis. I had prepared my mind and my body to face a year of sickness and pain in prepped both my mind and my body for the hardest battle of my life, however that was all with the expectation that after those very horrible and trying 12 months of treatment and surgeries, I would again regain my life or at least feel better, not worse.
However, here we are a year and a half later and I am still being wheeled off to unplanned surgeries, and sitting in the infusion chairs far more then I would like to admit. As this point, my mind is sharp, my determination is strong, and I am ready to jump back into life, however my body is fighting me a bit on how soon this transition can and will happen. My team is again reminding me that my journey with breast cancer specifically is not the norm and I shouldn’t compare or beat myself because I have had to face many obstacles that do not arise in most or any other cases.. I have heard this from the beginning, and I have taken it in stride because to me, my journey is all I have ever known. With each curve ball I have been thrown, I have held my head high and forged through with an optimistic smile. I really never have looked up to the sky and asked why me which until this past week. I have faced every single sad, scary and frustrating day with true and real optimism and I have always believed that everything that has and is happening to me, was part of a greater and bigger plan for me in the long run a test of sorts that would take me where I was meant to be, but for whatever reason these past two surgeries and past 3 hospital stays have gotten me pretty down. I am not sure if it is because I am again trying to come to terms with the fact that it seems that no matter what, my path always comes with scares and complications or if it is just all catching up to me, but after a week and a half in the hospital, I had, just plain had enough. I wanted to go home. Ok, really I wanted to run out of the hospital and run away from everything that my life has become. I just wanted to disappear and pretend none of this was happening and although I know my medical team at Butterworth had a good reason to wanting to keep me admitted there was no stopping me. I just had to get out of that hospital and breathe, because in my mind I was literally going a little crazy.
For the first time, ever I got angry that I have been dealt a crummy hand and I felt sorry for myself. My husband was nervous to take me out of the hospital without full approval of the doctors, however I think he could see what was happening inside of me and he knew that I really just needed to break away. Within in seconds of being in the car, I started to cry. As we drove to get my prescriptions, I said, “I’m sorry. I know you didn’t want me to go, but I had to get out of there. I just cannot take it anymore.” I was struggling to keep up with all of the amazingly inspirational texts, cards, and posts, and I realized that I really just needed to “tap out” of the reality of my life and pretend that I wasn’t “Tammy the cancer patient.” Jordan could tell I was a mess, and I’m not sure he knew what to do. He reminded me that I needed to cut myself a break because it has been a crumby few weeks, as I watched quietly out the window, but it wasn’t helping. Everyone I saw seemed to represent something I no longer have in being out and about enjoying life. That alone seemed to fuel my frustration even more as they reminded me of how much I am still loosing in this battle. With the flip of a switch I was crying again.
Good News….Lung Scan Results are in:
The results show that the nodule on my lung is stable and it looks to be benign which is the very best news! No more cancer. Big sigh of relief there!
On the bummer side, the test also reviled that I do have a small hole in my lung causing pneumothorax, which explains my shortness of breath. My oncologist wants me to go to the emergency room where they would either insert a chest tube or needle into the lung to help it re-inflate it, if it gets worse this weekend, or if I’m ok the way it is, she wants me to come in Monday for a chest x-Ray to see if it will eventually correct itself or if we need to fix it. A bummer of course, but it’s treatable, and it means that the shortness of breath is not a lasting or long-term side effect from the chemo. This I am very thankful for. 😀
Surgery itself has never caused me any anxiety for some reason, however I was a little nervous going into this last surgery. Not nervous to be put under again or even to add more surgical trauma to my ever growing list, but I was nervous to wake up and have to go through the painful recovery that I knew I would be facing being because I had almost the exact surgery a few months back. I knew that I would struggle to even hold my own weight in the days immediately following my surgery, I knew it would take months to heal the painful bruising and incision sites and that I wouldn’t be able to hold or really play with Corryn, and most of all I knew that it would again set my body back in the overall cancer recovery department. Like usual, I didn’t sleep a wink the night before surgery because my mind had gone into busy nesting mom-mode and was very much preparing to be physically down for a awhile, but as usual meeting my amazing photographer/friend Sam at the hospital, very much distracted me and made those surgical prep hours fly by. In fact, there were a few moments where I had actually even forgotten why I was at the hospital all together which is pretty amazing. We also had my mom with us as well as our new friend Brooke, who was there capturing video for a project I have in the works, so I could even go as far as saying that this time, was “fun”. Before I knew it I was removing my healing and protection jade necklace, and they were connecting all the tubes and wires and wheeling me off to surgery. Before going into surgery, my amazing plastic surgeon had laid out her plan for me, which included cutting out some irritated scar tissue that had formed around my chemotherapy port site incision as well as injecting some steroids into the site to keep the irritation from returning, the removal of my left tissue expander, the placement of my left breast implant, phase one of my left nipple reconstruction, fat and tissue grafting from my thighs again and placement into both breasts, as well as immediate stretching of my right breast skin, and placement of my right implant; if possible. But, we had also talked about placing a tissue expander on the right side if all of this wasn’t possible once she got into surgery. The list was long and again meant a pretty big recover, but I knew it would be great to make all of this progress in a big combined surgery.
The day I became a mother was the very best day of my life. I had literally dreamed about becoming a mommy from the time I was in elementary school, maybe even before. This may sound weird, and I am not sure I have ever admitted this to anyone, but where most kids excitedly looked through the big JCPenny catalog picking out toys, I looked through the catalog picking out the children I would someday have…. And of course picking out all of the cute clothes I would someday dress them in. When I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always replied with; “I want to be a mommy”. My love of children only grew through the years and I was quickly labeled as the one most likely to have a gaggle of kids by my peers. I started babysitting all of the neighborhood kids at when I was 10, and I loved every second of it. When I was in high school I took a job working in a daycare after school and later I worked as a nanny for two amazing baby girls that I still refer to as my first born. I fell in love with every child that I had the pleasure of caring for, and I often joked that I was a second mommy to many, however the love that fills your heart as your baby grows and develops inside of you, and the joy you feel in the moments you bring that baby into the world, are nothing short of awe-inspiring, life-defining, and indescribable for those who haven’t felt it for themselves.
I just wanted to give a VERY BIG shout out to all of the amazing nurses out there who are selflessly dedicating their lives to helping others.
Thank you for holding our hands when we face the unthinkable, for caring for us in ways that we never thought we needed, and for listening when no one else understands. Thank you for taking the time to teach and inspire when our worlds seem to be spinning out of control, for showing compassion when the fear and the sadness takes over, for motivating us to reach goals that seem unreachable, and for cheering us on when every step along the way. Thank you for taking the time to truly get to know us, and for knowing when to be tough, but also when to be human. Thank you for making us smile when the weight of the world is on our shoulders, for investing a little bit of yourselves in to each us, but most of all thank you for all that you are and all that you do! The world just wouldn’t be the same without you.
To be real…. I don’t know where patients like me, would be, without amazing people like you caring for us during our hardest moments. From a slightly biased standpoint, I have to say that I have been blessed to have the VERY BEST nurses caring for me over the past year as I faced the awful “C”, but to be fair I have never met a nurse who wasn’t willing to go above and beyond for my care… and for that, I will be forever grateful.
Happy Nurse’s Day to all of the amazing nurses out there!
