This process started nearly 5 years ago. I had just been given the devastating news that had breast cancer at the age of 33. At the time of my diagnosis, my husband and I were trying for our second child, so naturally one of my very first questions was “Can I have more children?”. Looking back, I now realize just how hard it must have been to look my eyes and deliver news that would shatter my entire world in an instant and then delver even more bad news. At that moment my oncologist’s number one job was to save my life, but I am beyond grateful that she also had the foresight to help me preserve my fertility. I learned a lot of things that the very first week of my diagnosis. I learned that you are never “too young” for breast cancer and that only 11% of young women diagnosed have a family history of breast cancer. I learned that although the government does not require testing under 40, it doesn’t mean that you are not at risk. I learned that you truly cannot fully understand the devastation, loss, and pain that comes with a cancer diagnosis until you have faced one yourself. I learned that I am loved far more than I could have ever imagined and that I am surrounded by a community of wonderful people willing to help in moment’s notice. I learned just how strong, hopeful and determined I can be in facing my greatest fears and worst of all, facing my own mortality. I also learned that no matter how strong of a person you are, cancer is better fought with a village of supporters behind you every step of the way. Most of all, I learned that no matter how much you try to plan your life out, the future and your health are two things you should never take for granted.
That first week has become somewhat of a blur to me but I do very vividly remember trying to keep my head on my shoulders as my world spiraled out of control. We met with more specialists that week then I could ever count but one appointment that stands out in our mind is our meeting with Dr. Young from The Fertility Center here in West Michigan. I remember feeling defeated before walking in the door and wondering if I was crazy to consider harvesting my eggs when I didn’t know what my future would hold… or if I had a future at all. I worried that spending the money would be a waste yet if I wasn’t alive to try for a second baby, but I also knew that I had to know my options. Dr. Young was so kind, gentle and compassionate, but he also had to deliver quite devastating news. I remember him saying that he was very sorry that I was facing such a scary diagnosis at such a young age. He then said that he wished he had better news for me, but the only way for me to preserve my ability to have another biological child after cancer was to do an emergency egg harvest before my treatments began (so very quickly) and use a gestational carrier to carry our child. This process did come with a very hefty price tag and some risk, as it would require pumping my body full of the hormones that were in-a-sense feeding my cancer. But, it was also the only way, so we had a BIG decision. This was 3:00 on a Friday afternoon and I was scheduled the following Monday. The last thing he said to me was ask Dr. Melnik, (my surgical oncologist) to give her blessing on this process before you are wheeled in for surgery. With her blessing, the plan was to get started right after the surgery. It was a very hard decision and sadly we only had 48 hours to make it.
After an entire weekend of emotional roller coasters, we along without families made the very bold decision to harvest my eggs immediately following my bilateral mastectomy surgery. Looking back there are so many emotions that ran through my mind during these moments, but at the end of the day, I knew that if I was able to walk away from Cancer, I didn’t want to live with the regret of not taking action. It was a leap of fate as we truly did not know if this day would ever come, but we have never once regretted our decision. After a very difficult few weeks and more ER visits than I can count, Dr. Dodd’s was able to harvest 58 of my eggs and we were able to freeze 16 of our embryos before I started my chemotherapy treatments. After the harvest, I did my very best to put the whole idea out of my mind so I could focus on what was most important at the time.
My family… and beating cancer!
Through all of my treatments, surgeries, and recoveries, this hope has been a driving force in my mind. Next to dreaming of a cancer-free future, I have also spent so many nights lying awake in my bed dreaming of the day that I could give Corryn a brother or sister. Over the years I have experienced several ups and downs with this process from grief, to hope, and even anger. And I will even admit that I have shed many tears in knowing that I cannot make this dream happen for Corryn or our family on my own. As a perfectionist who prides herself on being 100% in control of her situation 100% of the time, I should tell you this has been one of the hardest aspects of my post-cancer life. In the beginning, I wanted this for my husband and I, but over the years I come to realize that I also want this for Corryn as well. She has wanted to become a big sister so much so that she has not held back in innocently sharing how sad it makes her that she is all alone as the only child in our family when most of her friends have siblings to play with. Even announcing that she wishes our friend Sarah was her mommy because then she would have 3 sisters. Ehhhh (YES insert crazy emotional mom-tears here).
I have have done my best to stay positive, but I will also admit that it has been somewhat hard to watch others around me have babies. It has been hard not go to the “why me” part of your brain and feel that life isn’t fair, but I have remained as optimistic as possible and I have kept the faith that there is still a plan for me. I do everything I can to separate myself and believe that if and when the timing is right, it will happen for us. My best friend has even helped me keep this dream alive in my heart by secretly planning to try to choreograph shared pregnancies. It was our plan that she would get pregnant with her 3rd child around the same time that we use a carrier to achieve pregnancy with our second child so I could experience all of the amazing feelings of pregnancy through her. What is crazy is that she told me she was pregnant for her third child this past fall, just a few weeks after I applied for the SAMFUND grant. So, you can imagine the excitement I felt when I got the news that our family had been selected for the grant.
My dream was coming to life in a truly serendipitous form.
Since receiving the grant news so many things have happened including the post we wrote that kicked all of this off. Initially, we wanted to keep things very private because we are not certain we will have pregnancy success, however, we came to realize that we would never be able to make this happen on our tight-timeline without going public with our news and search for a gestational carrier. So, we again took a step out of our comfort zone, put on a brave face, and very publicly announced that we were looking for an angel to carry our biological child. Within 24 hours our post had been viewed over 10,000 times and emails were pouring in. Fox 17 even picked up the story which sent our search into overdrive. We did have to go a bit “radio silent” after our original post so that we could take time to go through all the emails while also diving into the very complex process of using a gestational carrier in a state where it is illegal to hire a carrier in general. Since then have been navigating very uncertain legal and medical waters in a complex process and doing our best to follow our hearts. But I truly cannot put into words the emotions that have been running through my mind over the past 6 weeks. I do have to say that the outpouring of support from all of you and our West Michigan community has truly been nothing short of awe-inspiring. We had quite a few women reach out to us with very very big hearts and willing arms. This was something I had not considered, and it did make for a VERY tough decision…. but it also lead to an idea to pay all of this love forward and help other couples in West Michigan find gestational carriers of their own as well.
We do have good news! As of a few weeks ago, we officially have a gestational carrier who is willing to carry our baby. We have all met with a counselor at The Fertility Center to talk through the entire process including the emotional journey that has unfolded over the past few years for me, we have hired an attorney (one of 3 in the state) to start drafting the “non-legally binding – contract which is required to move forward with the carrier process at TFC, we have received coverage confirmation from both sets of insurance, The Samfund has made our first payment, and as of Friday afternoon, Dr. Dodd’s has medically cleared our carrier and noted that she is an A+ option for us. Although success is not guaranteed, the process has begun. No matter what happens from this point on, we do know that we have already been blessed by having so many wonderful women/couples step forward to offer our family such an amazing gift. Most of all we will know that we tried.
I have dreamed about the woman who would carry our child since that very scary first appointment at The Fertility Center. I wondered if she would be someone close to me or someone I had met along the way. I spent a lot of time thinking about how I would feel in knowing that another woman would be taking my place in an act that is so beautiful and meaningful to our family, and I wondered how I would feel in knowing that my carrier can do something that I am no longer able to do myself. Mostly, I thought about how special it was to feel Corryn grow inside of me and how sad it would make me that I would not feel that growing bond form with a second child. But I have to admit that although I do know that there is still some grieving for me to do in accepting my limited involvement, my mind and my heart are full of hope and love because of one very special woman and her husband. Because of this amazing woman, I am no longer dwelling on my inability to do this for our family, nor am I fearing all that I will miss out on because I am not able to carry my child myself. Instead, I find myself dreaming of the very special relationship that is forming with this amazing woman who has been placed into my life and the bond that is already forming as we start this journey together. To my surprise, I find myself dreaming of all of the same very special moments that you dream about when you are pregnant with any child. I’m just now dreaming about experiencing all of these moments with a very special friend by my side. I envision feeling our baby kick through her belly as if that were a normal thing to experience. I envision the nursery design, baby items strewn about the house, and Corryn being the best big sister ever. And all of these heartfelt visions lead me back to gratitude for a woman that I didn’t even know two months ago. I’m struggling to put it all into words, but the fact that a woman who I may never have met outside of this situation felt passionately compelled to help us achieve this beautiful blessing simply because she could, is simply amazing beyond measure. The truth is, this woman is a huge part of this new and exciting path and like so many other aspects of my cancer journey, it has become very apparent that she was also meant to be a part of this all along. In a very peaceful way, I feel that my heavenly soul sister Erin has had a very heavy hand in bringing this beautiful blessing into my life. I feel her love all around me every single day and I know that I now have the very best gradian angel by my side through all of this.
So without further ado. I would like to introduce you to Lauren and her husband Johnathon. Lauren was the very first women to reach out to us. Reading her heartfelt words sent goosebumps down my spine and filled my heart with so so much hope and joy. In her very first message she explained that she felt compelled and even called to help us bring a beautiful blessing into our lives because its was something she had always wanted to do. She has also felt very guided through this entire process and has said that she too feels that all of this has felt very “right” and meant-to-be for her as well.
We did meet a few couples in person and I will admit that we fell in love with them all. The first meetings were filled with so much excitement, but they were also a bit awkward for everyone involved. In a very funny way, it was a bit like a speed date that ended in a shotgun wedding. But honestly, hearing why these couples wanted to bless our family put our nerves at ease quite quickly and I found myself holding back tears. It takes a very special woman to consider carrying someone else’s child in her body, but it also takes an incredible husband to support such an amazing act.
We are so very blessed.
